"I" Took Over The Journey

Guess what comes before the fall?

Yep. p-r-IIIII-d-e.

For those of you who follow, could you hear it? I think I spilled it a couple of times. If I have learned anything, I have learned that what we speak (or write) comes straight from the heart. My heart was saying it, and I just basically chose not to listen with the right set of ears. I admitted having a little bit of fear of falling from freedom from food. I know, I know, I know that fear is an indicator of believing the wrong information, but I just chose to ignore it.

I fell.

The story....
Freedom I experienced was amazing. The freedom from food carried over into every area of my life. Everything felt effortless, easy, and light. "Free indeed" indeed. But then after about two weeks of this, I found myself over eating and munching on food that I didn't really want. The old was all coming back. BUT WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So I finally got fed up with myself a few days ago and asked Wayne why I turned back to eating like a fat person again. Sweet Wayne indicated that he didn't care about how much I weighed, what I ate, etc. But then I had to explain that it wasn't about the weight or the food at all. It's about the freedom that I experienced and enjoyed and desired. Why did it go? and how did I let it slip away? Then he said something simply profound,"You ARE free. Freedom never left you."

That's when it hit me. The broken pieces started to assemble and I began to see the image in my heart. I tasted the goodness of God and the freedom it brought for a good two weeks, but my heart wasn't really persuaded. I stepped into the freedom with a comment from a friend similar to Wayne's that I blogged about weeks ago. When I told her I was going to "starve the nature that was not me." She said, "or instead of trying to kill her you could just realize the truth that she doesn't exist." THAT is it, my friends. This is the truth that propels me into freedom, but my heart is not yet fully persuaded. I even exposed my true beliefs when I admitted my fear about falling from grace. So then I began an investigation of my heart. A simple little truth worked its way up to my thoughts. When "I fell," there had been a collection of circumstances that distracted me pretty harshly. It took several days for me to get over the pity that invited itself in. "I" became self-conscious instead of God conscious in the form of pity and depression. (prIde) I began to make things about me, and that same pride crept into my eating. It had nothing to do with food. It had everything to do with pride verses freedom. So for a while, I walked around like "I" could do it. Almost every single issue that I've recognized (and conquered) on this journey came leaping back in. The guilt. The condemnation. The eating for lack. The eating to nourish my old nature. Eating for comfort. Old habits. etc. etc. etc. But that's not who I am. I craved to taste the freedom again, and silly me "I" thought I could work it back up.

Dear Audrey,
Hello. Duh. And What in the world are you thinking? Apparently you are not. You didn't make yourself free the first time. You can't do ANYTHING good enough to get you back to freedom. Please quit "trying" to do anything. Please just know that there is grace for grace. Rest in knowing that you have everything you need and you are free. Please quit fighting against imagery things/issues/beliefs and see who you really are and where you really are seated. You are free and that's it.
Love, Real Audrey

Pride came before my fall. I fell hard. I took a tumble flat on my face. But my Bible also says that a righteous man will get back up. I know I'm righteous because of Jesus. I'm getting up. No...Actually, I'm up already. And even cooler....in God's eyes I never fell at all. He always sees me as righteous as Jesus. Now if I could only see me always from that perspective...free indeed.

Nutritional Nugget:
Even though weight and food are truly not the issue, I did weigh myself recently. The two weeks of freedom did produce some lovely fruit. I don't know if I gained any weight when I started eating crazy again or not, but I had still lost five pounds. I must say that was a nice little touch to know as I was getting over the bruises from my "fall." Even though five pounds doesn't seem like a lot, it was at least 2 1/2 pounds a week which is just about right. The slower the loss, the more permanent. It means more fat loss and less lean body breakdown. The weight loss goal should really be 0.5 to 2.5 pounds a week.