Unworthy Sabotage

Well, It's been a while, but not because I didn't want to, and not because I was hiding behind a mountain of shame. I've been busy. I am very grateful for my wonderful new jobs. This is even more than I wanted, but I love them all. The only problem is that having to go to bed because I have work in the morning puts a big damper on my writing time. Tonight I am making an exception. Surely I will get my routine down soon to make time for my very favorite hobby.

I figured out why I was in that food funk as I referred to in my last post. Things were/are going VERY well. So well, in fact, that deep down I feel I don't deserve it. I was actually eating even though I didn't want it as a form of sabotaging myself. Is that sick-weird or what?!?!?! After I unloaded a bit of ponder in my last post, I was able to hear clearly enough to diagnose the problem. Thank God there is a solution. The truth is that I AM enough, and none of us deserve anything, but we also deserve everything because we get what Jesus deserves. That can be a hard bite to swallow when we know ourselves, but it IS the truth. I just have to keep regaining my sight of who I am. I choose to believe the truth. Because of that I have not been eating like a crazy person this week.

Nutritional Nugget: More about critters....Botulism --- YIKES

I always have to laugh because I remember my very first lecture on this little guy. My professor said, "Little old farmer wives would open a can of her home-canned green beans. Taste it to see if it is good. Then be dead before supper."

Clostridium botulinum, (I like to say that name,) is an anaerobic bacteria. That means it thrives in areas with no air like in canned foods. As best as I can remember, it is tasteless and odorless. It is possible to kill with heat, but it needs to be pressurized heat like in a pressure cooker where the temperature gets to about 250 degrees. The best way to avoid botulism is to practice safe techniques. Dented cans should be avoided, especially if the can is bulging or dented on the seam. If you roll a can on the counter and there is no bump, that is, it rolls smoothly, then the can is probably okay, but I personally would not use it. Obviously, if you drop a can and it dents just before you are going to cook it, it is okay to use. But I always, always, always "fill-up" the cans twice at the grocery store before purchasing. Once when I put it in the cart, then again at check out.

Another classic way to prevent botulism is to avoid giving infants honey. No honey until age two. Age three in some circles.

All about my struggles

I've been having a hard time eating "right" lately. It is like I want to eat everything in sight, and if it is not good for me, I want to eat it double. I think those of you who actually read this blog might be able to pick up on a pattern with me. When I go without posting for a while, it seems to go hand in hand with how "bad" or "good" I am doing with my eating. It's not that I don't want to post if I'm not doing well. It is just that I don't think about posting or I don't have the "write" in me. Today I find myself in this drought (again,) but I have been wanting to get back on here. I decided just to vent the struggles I seem to be having. Maybe this bit of confessing will pop open whatever seems to be causing a desire to eat junk that I really don't want, and the ability to write about it.

Last time I went to the grocery store I actually bought...(this is terrible)...a box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Now in the recent past, I have been able to have junk in the house with no desire to eat it. I'm telling you that was a mistake that has cost me 270 calories a day.

I've also been dehydrated the past few days as evidenced by pee color. I know that is gross, but pee is supposed to be clear or almost clear. I know this, and I still had coffee for breakfast and sweet tea for lunch yesterday. I know I feel better when I drink water. My flesh prefers junk, but I can tell deep down that I don't really want that. Why have I been making choices I don't want to make? It is like I have a preconceived idea of foods that i would enjoy more, and I find myself indulging in them even more than my flesh wants just because they're the "bad" food.

Well...I think I stumbled on one reason just now. I still have some rewriting to do on the ol' heart. I categorize foods as bad and good. That makes a law out of it...."Oh I can't have the bad food." Phooey! When life goes to rocking, that little heart ponder will come to the surface, and I find myself eating a Little Debbie Swiss Roll because I think I want what I think I can't have. ...That is just not truth.

I'm sure there are more reasons....

Nutritional Nugget: Cross Contamination
On facebook the other day, my cousin asked a question about food pathogens. It is a subject that I've heard so much and taught so often that I'm fairly tired of it, but apparently he is really interested in it. In honor of cuz, I think I'll talk about food safety and sanitation which is really a very important part of nutrition. It's actually even listed on the Healthy People list.

Cross contamination is when a food comes in contact with bacteria associated with one food because of poor handling techniques. An examples of this is if someone diced celery with the same knife and cutting board they used to cut chicken. This can also happen if a person forgot to wash their hands when preparing cookie dough with raw eggs and then touched the cookies they just removed from the oven. The best way to prevent cross contamination is to use good food handling practices.

Death by chocolate from Beth

I added this in my posts a long time ago, but I just noticed that I haven't posted it yet. This is from my great BFF Beth. I love to hear her rant about processed food. (Can't wait to try the pancakes!)

I promise, no i solemnly swear as you as my witness to never, ever by boxed food ever again as long as i live. :) I love to cook. It makes me so happy to cook. My greatest wish come true would be to have you, and the girls over so I can cook for you all my little goodies that I have learned to do. That would be so much fun for me. But last night I made double chocolate pancakes, which is chocolate batter chocolate chip pancakes. They were yummy. Of course you know by now that I don't use white flour, so I used my organic pancake mix and spiced it up with a bit of quinoa flour and spelt, dark chocolate cocoa powder, a sprinkle of raw sugar, an organic egg, coconut milk, handful of ground flax meal, and (here it is) pureed blueberries and spinach that I had frozen earlier. Then later I added the chocolate chips. Wow, they were delicious. I even indulged for the boys and sprayed whipped cream on top which is a stretch for me, but sometimes you just got to. It's not like these pancakes needed it. If I had had some frozen applesauce, I would have added it too. I have to tell you one tidbit i have learned. I never knew what msg was even though I have heard of it. I didn't understand what it did to food or why it was there. I had no idea that people can have allergies to it or be sensitive to it. I also didn't know that it isn't regulated. That it can be on nutrition labels as msg or it can be labeled only as natural flavors. Did you realize that it is as addictive and powerful as crack cocaine? It tells your brain that you are still hungry and need more even though your stomach is telling you that you are full. It amazes me how much of our food in grocery stores is packaged for preservatives for freshness, but those very additives are what is keeping us unhealthy and sick, over weight, and totally addicted to the wrong kind of food that our body is actually craving. There are now two food additives that I will avoid like the plague- msg and hydrogenated oils. just thought you might like to know what I look for when I read the ingredients list. :) That and the sodium content.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving... We Americans, have this great, huge holiday about food. That is really amazing. Government offices are closed to go eat. I know every holiday has food, but this one...WOW! We are thankful and we show it with feasting. I cannot help but like this one. Our Thanksgiving was really nice. We kept it simple and pressure free. We ate lunch at Nana's house. She cooks like I'm learning I love to live....simple, pressure free, low-fat, and delicious. A few years back at Thanksgiving, I made her sit down with me and tell me how she makes everything she makes. See, she has her menu and it never changes. You don't have to ask. We know what she's cooking. All of those things that represent Nana's cooking are in the cookbook. I typed it all up and gave it to my family for Christmas. So this year, for Thanksgiving, we were eating her caramel cake. I cannot describe in words its goodness. I was laughing as I remembered Nana telling me the recipe. I wrote down word for word what Nana said, so in the cookbook it reads: "Caramel Cake. Nana says not to put this in here because it is too hard to make." and then I added the recipe. So that story jarred Nana's memory, and she got out the cookbook to inform me that I had some really major typos in the book. I typed out 1/2 teaspoon of this or that when Nana only puts in 1/4 teaspoon. I'm going to have to have a second edition.

I ate a lot. I mean a whole lot. I enjoyed myself, but I didn't gorge myself. I could tell that things were different with me. I ate and was happy. I didn't feel guilty for overeating, and I didn't feel like I needed to stuff myself like I am a turkey just because it is Thanksgiving.

Nutritional Nugget:
The last time I checked, Americans gain an AVERAGE of seven pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That makes me glad that this year I'm resting instead of EATING (but still eating too.) ;)

Weight-loss Turkey:

Definition

I heard a message from Bertie this morning that had zero to do with weight loss. Actually, it was about finances---go figure. But it seems that any message of pure grace brings freedom to any and all areas. Today is really busy, but I'm about to pop with the understanding of this revelation so I thought I'd go ahead and relieve some holy pressure. (Positive pressure.) What God says about what Bertie said is more huge to me than actually the words I heard.

Being Fat does not define me. BUT being skinny doesn't define me either.

Wow. So simple, yet profound. Something I've probably even said, but obviously still learning. That is what I am mediating on today.

It is really a huge thing for me because I know that Father loves me where I am at the moment no matter what, but I still had some mindset that I would be "better" if I lost weight. Fat or skinny...doesn't matter. What matters is HIS opinion I rest in today and always.

If I make any choices based on needing to "improve," then I am operating under the mindset that I am not good enough. It makes me choose what I eat because I am under a law, and out of a sense of lack. I am frustrating his grace. I am living in sin. I've always been taught and believed that SIN was what we do----over eating---being a glutton. "Being fat is just as bad a murderer." Well, I understand there is a truth, but the way I was seeing that is completely wrong. Believing the wrong thing is the SIN. Do you know Jesus was accused of being a drunk and a glutton? I'm laughing! Don't you think that means he ate stuff that might not be considered "right." Jesus was free and he knew it. He walked and lived and breathed in a mindset that he knew what he did does not define him, but who he was as the beloved Son of the Living God is his definition. Therefore he was free to eat. Free to drink. Free to fast. He didn't do any of those things because was supposed to. He was at rest in his identify and out of that, he just lived. There was a freedom that splashed onto other people. Sinners were drawn to him. Religious jerks hated him. (They were probably jealous because they felt like they couldn't eat, drink, and be merry.)

Something else....let's say someone has been hurt by weight or food. Maybe a someone was deprived of food because of behavior. Or maybe someone was forced to never have a cupcake because they were not allowed to celebrate. Or maybe they were made fun of by their weight. If what they choose to eat or not eat is in response to that hurt, they are still in sin. They are in bondage in their mind and not making choices out of freedom. They might be a victim, but they are not living in freedom that was purchased to them. They are choosing to live from circumstance instead of out of who they are. Hmmm....something to ponder.

I remember once I was living with a girl who felt "lead" to fast. There is nothing wrong with fasting, but she was obviously doing it to "get" something. It was a law to her that she was diligent to follow. Her lack of freedom spewed out in the form of pressure to me. Something did come out that fast. She gave me something.....A big pain in the butt! I don't think I was ever so happy as when she felt like the Lord told her to eat supper. I was like, "You heard from the Lord!"

The same principle applies to eating as it does to fasting. A law will only make you see you can't do it so you might as well NOT do it. You know what? I can't eat right. Sometimes I don't even want to eat right. But knowing that eating or not eating doesn't define me, I can rest in the freedom of understanding I can eat if I want, and I don't have to eat that if I don't want. That means that if deep down I really want a white chocolate dipped oreo that has 100 calories instead of a bowl of sauteed spinach, I can eat it. Just me thinking about that makes me think....you know, deep down, I'd rather have the spinach. Then it becomes "good" eating out of freedom, and not because I'm not good enough. Eating carrots and celery because I MUST is just as much of a sin as eating an orea thinking I shouldn't.

I am defined by who I am. Not what I eat. Not my weight.

Nutritional Nugget---Strawberries

Ounce for ounce, strawberries have even more vitamin C than even citrus fruits. One cup of fresh strawberries has about 45 calories, 4 grams fiber, and 20mg calcium.

Nana always makes strawberry shortcake for Thanksgiving.

Some people (like my sister) have an allergy to strawberries which is probably an allergy to the ripening protein in it. Most people who have a reaction probably just have oral allergy syndrome which basically just makes your mouth itch. Some get dermatitis or break out in hives.

Forget the Food

I have a really pretty friend inside and out who looks like she still did in high school with lots of babies and one set of twins. She has never seemed to be interested in diets and food. Although we have never talked about nutrition or weight, we have talked about parenting quite a bit. She is a precious mother. I remember once she was talking about "working" as a stay-at-home mom, and she said, "Most days I even forget to eat."

That has always stayed with me because forgetting to eat is not exactly a habit of mine. Lately, I've experienced this a little more. What I love about her eating habits is that she is not insecure about her weight or food. She's just a good mama who gets so busy that she forgets to eat because food is not on her mind all the time.

I'm all for eating, but I am even more for freedom from thinking about food.

PS....FLOG. I did terrible today. Absolutely terrible. I totally stepped off the trail then decided to take a nose dive off a cliff. I'm not even sure if I've landed yet. But you know what? I do know that I am righteous and what I've "done" today does not define me. I will trust him to pick me up and plant my feet on higher ground. I don't have to climb back up myself. He's got me there. "The righteous fall.." for sure, but they can get back just because they know they are righteous. (Admitting that to the world helped me recognize my freedom. Feels good after being in bondage to old habits today.)

Nutritional Nugget: Tryptophan

(Homer ate too much turkey.)

Have you ever heard that?...that turkey makes you sleepy? Tryptophan is considered the culprit behind the snoozes on Thanksgiving day. Tryptophan is an amino acid. That means it is a link in protein chains. It is a dandy little nutrient. Our bodies are able to convert tryptophan to the B vitamin Niacin. How cool is that? But it is also used to make a neurotransmitter called serotonin which helps to regulate appetite, sleep, and mood. Increasing a diet with tryptophan will increase serotonin levels in our body. Don't let that be an excuse to stuff yourself after you stuff the turkey. Tryptophan is high in a variety of foods, but really the tryptophan in turkey is about the same in all poultry. Milk, Seeds, egg whites, and red meats are also good sources per protein gram of tryptophan. Eating a balanced diet with good variety still remains the best way to get all the stuff you need for health.

Mind on the 'Hind

I heard a sweet girl bud of mine speak so wonderfully this week on trust. (Heather Seyer, You Rock!) She gave the most perfect illustration to something I've noticed in my own life about resting. She rearranged her cabinets to make it more functional in her kitchen, but sometimes she still goes to the old place where her cups used to be just out of habit. The longer she lives in the better design, the less frequently she visits the old cabinet for a cup. Been there? Gosh...I have. I'm learning about rest and experiencing rest and contentment and freedom like never before, but I am a doer by nature. I struggle with Martha popping up to say, "Hi! Get to work!" and feel good about the GOOD I can do. Phooey! ---It's me again. Martha! (That would have been really awesome if Margaret's name would have been Martha.) The more I walk in rest, (Isn't that a funny way to say it?) the less I visit the bunny trail that leads back to condemnation, works, etc. But today...(sigh)...I strapped on the ears and fluffy tail and hopped right down that bunny trail. I didn't get so far down that I got lost or anything, but let's just say I was very aware of the "Dunlap Disease." (I'm laughing...ever heard that? "Belly dunlapped over my belt?") I mean some serious moments of, "Big rear. Over here." "Big Bottom. I got 'em.") Wading around in this thinking caused me to eat a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie. Yep. I haven't cared that we had a box in the pantry all this week even though I consider that my favorite junk for the trunk. Today I wanted one. Couldn't keep my mind off of it. Felt guilty for even thinking about it, and then I remembered, "How silly." Thinking I can't have one just strengthens the desire to eat a whole truck load of them. So I ate one. I liked it, but you know what? The revelation that, "I can have it if I want it," returned to me, so I didn't have two. I still wandered around that detour on the journey for a little while today, but Wayne brought something home today (an attitude of freedom or something) that just made me realize I wasn't hungry for food. I was starved for some bread of life. Just a little taste of the good stuff made me remember how to find my way. Now..."I'm hungry? I had no idea." Freedom from food tastes so sweet.

Nutritional Nugget: Corn

A"maize"ing! Oh the stories I will spare you about corn!

Corn is not exactly known for its nutrient density, but did you know that we had an epidemic of a niacin deficiency called Pellagra because we soaked the corn in a liquid that caused the niacin to leak out? Why do we white people think we can "improve" the Indians. Yikes! Pellagra is a yucky and unnecessary disease known for the four D's: Diarrhea, Dermatitis, Dementia, Death. Whoa Yucky!

Corn is so cool. We eat it in a variety of ways like popcorn, corn on the cob, corn bread, the fairy tale porridge, hominy, grits, etc. But it is also grown and used in other ways. Art, Maize Mazes, Biofuel, products like plastics, adhesives, fabrics. I mean let's give corn some credit. Yes, it's disgusting when you change a baby diaper, but it saved our pilgrim rear ends. It might not be known for curing cancer, but we can certainly celebrate the history of it this Thanksgiving.

Testimony

I saw the following post on Bertie Britt's Facebook page. Perfectly stated! (They both said I could share this.)

This is a WONDERFUL TESTIMONY from - Roshan Roy Wow, hey bertie, you have no idea how the gospel has worked in me. I remember hearing one of your old messages and you addressed fat people trying to loose weight and you said acknowledging and seeing yourself in Christ in the way. I was a 106kgs or something and for my height 5 and a half feet or so thats heavy. Now when i listened to it like a coup...le of years ago i was wondering if this really works and if yes, how? To put it in a capsule it was contentment that came from the Gospel that empowered me to a condemnation free joyful life. I hit the gym not to get happy but already perfectly joyful. As a result, my workout wasnt a burden at all, there was no challenge that i was trying to win but was caught up with the Gospel and the aftereffect of it. I saw that the loosing weight part was not born of condemnation but out of a realization of being complete in Christ. So i wasn't waiting to get there to get happy or something. As a result i saw that my body responded to my diet and exercise like really quick that i knocked off 38kgs in like 3 months and had felt no effort at all. The huge task was reduced to nothing. My friends were amazed at this. The gym guys couldn't believe it. It kinda caused me some trouble though coz i was asked many questions regarding this when i went to share the gospel, i ended up sharing about weight loss and stuff :)

Nutritional Nugget: Asparagus

I've heard old timers refer to this as "spar grass." I've also heard them use this vegetable in lots of other funny little sayings that I'm too embarrass to post. Trust me though. It's funny!

Asparagus is one of my favorite veggies. Wayne grills them a lot and it's my favorite. My friend Beth made me a chicken and asparagus dish that has become one of my family favorites. I'm pretty sure she said it came from Paula Deen, but it has been adapted.

1. Brown chicken breast in a little olive oil.
2. Layer asparagus in the bottom of a dish.
3. Place the browned chicken on top.
4. Spread the following mixture on top of the chicken.: 1 can cream of chicken soup. 1 Tablespoon lemon juice. 1/2 cup fat free mayo. Pepper. (I like a lot of pepper.)

Asparagus is very nutritious. The following nutrition description came from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asparagus

Asparagus is low in calories and is very low in sodium. It is a good source of vitamin B6, calcium, magnesium and zinc, and a very good source of dietary fiber, protein, vitamin A, vitamin C, vitamin E, vitamin K, thiamin, riboflavin, rutin, niacin, folic acid, iron, phosphorus, potassium, copper, manganese and selenium,[16][17] as well as chromium, a trace mineral that enhances the ability of insulin to transport glucose from the bloodstream into cells.[citation needed] The amino acid asparagine gets its name from asparagus, as the asparagus plant is rich in this compound.

Just Dance

One of my favorite weirdo artists is Brian Andreas (Thanks, Nicole). He did a Story Person once that said, "For a long time, she flew when she thought no one was watching." ...I love that so very much. It's not my favorite of his stories, but it's in my top three. Can't believe it, but I found a picture of it....so weirdo, though! I love it! For whatever reason, I keep thinking of "flying" as "dancing." Maybe it's just the freedom factor. But doesn't she...um it? um...look like it's dancing?

Wayne and I went to a Glory and Grace conference this past weekend. Boy, did we have some fun! Just when I think I'm free, I get a better glimpse of our too-good-to-be-true Father and get freed up a little more. Wow! Imagine how free we will be tomorrow! YES! It is his goodness that draws us. If you don't know he is good, never mad, never judgmental, never disappointed, never causing bad things to happen to teach or test us, then I will boldly say you do not know my Father, and I'd like to introduce you to him. The more free I become, the easier it is to walk away from food. Food is good, food is great. But the emotional "need" for it no longer has control over me. Getting smacked in the face with liberation this weekend helped me to see a bit more of myself. (I mean on the inside, peeps! I haven't gained weight, Yo!) The light illuminated dark places and hurts I didn't even know I had. It came out in the form of tears for two days. When we were getting ready to go to the evening session on the second day, I wondered if I should even put on make up since it just washed off as soon as I stepped in the door. It was such a sweet presence of the Living God. The final morning of the conference, I caught pure freedom. (I must be free to admit this.) I totally embarrassed myself. Well, I'm not really embarrassed, but lets just say I'm glad I wasn't on tape. I have no idea what I was doing really. (I'm laughing as I try to think about it.) My arms and legs were going crazy wild. I felt like a puppet on a string. I couldn't stop, or I didn't want to stop. Not sure. Both! Nana used to tell me that when I was a toddler, she would get me to dance to "Dance A Little Dolly." She would say that I looked like a little rag doll. Well, that is exactly what I felt like. Fini was praying for me, and I heard him say, "That's the sign of true freedom." And he was right. Freedom from self. Freedom from others. One of my shoes flew off. People were moving away from me fast. My other shoe fell off. I finally fell into the seats, and I heard Fini say, "Just stay there, it's safer." He was laughing. I don't remember much, but I do remember wondering if I could walk and also thinking that I am out of shape. Wayne missed the whole thing. He was out in the foyer eating a banana.

Tonight at home, Wayne was going through some things and he found the "Just Dance" Wii game. I have been looking for it for a while. I played it after the boys went to bed. It was fun to do even with Wayne in the room. I still gave him a hard time about watching me, but really I didn't care as much as I used to. In the past I was too self aware to have him anywhere near me while partaking in such physical activity. I mean I wouldn't want him to see me trying to catch my breath from dancing to "Big Girls You Are Beautiful." Know what I mean? I still have a freedom hangover so it was ok he was in the room with me. He's lovely and kind, but I judge others to think they judge me like I judge myself. Vain and dumb and just plain not true. Freedom from myself automatically frees me from people. To not be self-conscious is to be God-conscious. I've always enjoyed dancing, but that is one thing that the years of fat-consciousness has really stolen. I mean, I don't think I could ever slap on a leotard and be comfortable being Elephantina. But I can be comfortable in my own skin,(in my own clothes.) I'm still a little self-conscious, but I'm just going to step out more and more into this freedom and enjoy myself (while getting some good exercise.) I'm just going to dance.

Nutritional Nugget: Cranberries!

With Thanksgiving coming up, what better thing than to talk about some of the traditional yum yums. Cranberries are sort of known for the help with the urinary tract. To achieve the urinary health benefits daily intake: 10 ounces of cranberry juice or 1/2 cup cranberry sauce or 1 1/2 cups fresh or frozen cranberries or 3 oz dried cranberries. The phytonutrients in the cranberries seem to be the key for the health goody goodies. These have also been shown to help with cardiovascular disease, certain stomach ulcers, and cancer.

We drink cranberry juice some, but most of our urinary tract health benefits comes from crasins. Love 'em. The boys really love them. They eat them all the time for snack, but we eat them regularly on salad. Mmmmmm!

Check out http://www.cranberryinstitute.org/news/CI_Nutrition_Fact_Sheet.pdf for more info and references.

Mary-ing

No more Martha-ing. (Busy doing.) Jesus said, "There is one thing that is needful." Sitting! Sitting at his feet listening to his lovely voice and focusing solely on the one who is the express image of Father God. God who is actually love. I imagine Mary almost laying on his lap listening to his message of how much she is loved. A Martha would say, "But being a goody-two-shoes is responsible." "Finding a diet plan and sticking to it to insure proper weight loss is the thing to do." and Jesus would say, "There is one thing that is needful." There is nothing wrong with a diet plan, and I am certainly not implying that one should "give up" in that sense. There is grace for the grace, but self effort just wasn't working for me. Oh, the pounds might come off, but I was miserable losing, and miserable not losing as fast as I thought I should be. Martha would see all the dust bunnies and pounds that needed to fall off. She would need to FIX it, and she would be aggravated at all the people who weren't working as hard as she was. She would be jealous of the ones who seem like they are living skinny in la la land. And Mary?....She is so caught up in Jesus that she doesn't even notice if she is skinny or fat. Food is not on her mind. What Martha is cooking up in the kitchen won't taste as good as what she is feasting on in her Spirit and soul.

My personality profile matches Martha. ...Ouch!... You cannot imagine the Debbie-Downer Syndrome I felt when I read that. To add insult to injury, I actually had to write a paper in Bible school on how I was like my Biblical personality profile match. Then just a little while after I wrote my paper, Sweet Jesus gave Sweet Rosemary a word for each member of my family. She wrote it down, and it still remains on my frig. Gosh, she hit the nail on the head for each one of us, but for me (I might cry) it said, "Audrey, God thanks you for being a Mary." plus some other things. POWERFUL. POWERFUL. I just about fell in the floor. I think I actually dropped the paper. I know I had to wait before reading the rest of the words because my eyes were flooded with tears. That really meant the world to me. I identified with someone Jesus had to put in her place, but then God said that's not who I am and told me who he sees me as...someone at rest doing exactly what she was supposed to be doing. I thank him for the way he sees me. His perspective draws me to his perspective. Sitting. Resting. Listening. Being loved on. Content. Happy. No need to "diet." Weight will fall off effortlessly. It's a fruit of the rest. Sedentary in the Spirit! Ha Ha Ha.

(I had written a little extra about "resting and doing/faith without works". Then I realized that it was not coming from my heart so I erased it. I was only adding that in for those who are scared of rest. I didn't want to be accused of being one of "those." But you know what? Here is the pure truth: Someone at rest may be doing a lot of good works effortlessly because it is out of who they are, but REST WORKS plain and simple. There is no adding that needs to be done to it. There is one thing that is needful. ONE thing is ONE thing. It is ok to jokingly call it "Sedentary in the Spirit" because "sedentary" is the fancy word we use for couch potatoes which implies sitting. That's what it feels like to live with a mind in a state of rest. We may be physically busy, but it just doesn't feel like it. Everything is easy and light. It really is effortless. Imagine...just pondering and soaking up love then all the sudden wake up and realize we're skinny. Sound too good to be true? Well then it must be God!)

Nutritional Nugget: Chopping Broccoli

Broccoi casserole was the first dish I made for married supper. That makes me laugh. It was the hardest thing on the menu, and I had planned for it for weeks. Gosh, I was little! Chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, broccoli casserole, and warm and serve rolls. I've come quite a long way.

So I've said it before, but I'll say it again. If you come to a nutrition question on a multiple choice exam or the million dollar question on some game show with broccoli as one of the choices, then broccoli is the correct answer.

"Broccoli" is a derivative of a word that means, "the flowering top of cabbage." It is a great source of vitamin C, fiber, antioxidants, vitamin K, and calcium and loads of other nutrients. It's a gassy food too. It is diverse in recipes. Raw, steamed, casseroles, whatever. It's a dandy. You can even puree it up and hide it in things like brownies (I've heard, but not tried.)

The Voice From the Aisle

I was standing in the cereal aisle at Kroger when I heard a conversation between two workers in another processed food aisle next to mine that went something like this:

"Yeah, I bought me a big box of those and they were disgusting!"
"How many did you eat?"
"I ate the whole box."
(Laughter)

Then the guy who was hungry for the disgusting box of whatever came around the corner to my aisle. ...Um he fit the part, know what I'm sayin'?

Why was that so funny? Because why would someone eat more than just a bite of something if was wasn't good, and it wasn't nutritious anyway? It was obvious he had poor eating habits.

...I used to be like that. Well, maybe not just like that. I probably wouldn't eat a box of Nasties in one sitting, but I have valued food above myself. If it was food I would eat it even it was just to get it out of the way or if it was in front of me or just to have something to do sometimes. Now it seems something real occupies by brain. Whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is true.....think on these things. That is alive in me now and I'm beyond thankful.

Nutrition Nugget: Hot Peppers
My dad says, "Hot in. Hot out." Ha Ha Ha!

I copied the following article from http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/chicago/news.aspx?id=62587. I thought it was really interesting.

Peppers are hot -- as a health and diet aid
by Darren Swan
Oct 02, 2007

The secret is out: hot peppers are the spice to a healthier life.

Capsaicin, the hot pepper’s natural heat-causing component, has been proven to kill cancer cells, prevent sinus infections, serve as an anti-inflammatory agent, provide gastric relief and produce fat oxidation.

A daily dose of hot peppers lets people breath easier, feel less pain and lower their body fat.

Registered Dietitians and medical experts in Chicago are pushing the multitalented and diverse health benefits of hot peppers.

Carla R. Heiser, registered dietitian and managing partner of Body Logic MD in Chicago, advocates diet and lifestyle strategies in conjunction with a cohesive medicinal plan.

“Medication is used to heal and people can use their food to keep the process going to eventually come off the medication," Heiser said. "Successful diet and lifestyle pathways can get us away from a reliance on medications.”

The burn felt while eating a jalapeno, habenero or cayenne pepper comes directly from the food’s capsaicin. Capsaicin, though odorless and flavorless, is primarily found in the pepper’s seeds and ribs, but is also evenly distributed throughout the vegetable’s flesh, according to the Wellness Encyclopedia of Food and Nutrition.

It retains the unique ability to provoke prostate cancer cell suicide, repress joint pain, block pro-inflammatory chain reactions in the blood and reduce nerve fiber swelling in the brain.

This age-old vegetable has similar effects to those of Aleve, Tylenol, Advil, Tums and chemotherapy all wrapped in one—except this food has zip, taste and no fearful side effects to the consumer beyond a spicy backlash.

The hot pepper’s fuel has the same metabolic effects as Ephedra without containing Ephredra’s negative cardiovascular side effects. It has been added to vitamin and weight loss supplements to increase effectiveness and safety.

A common myth exists that hot peppers cause ulcers and small intestine irritation.

However, research asserts that though spicy food may add to ulcer pain and irritation, it does not function as a cause: Ulcer development has never been factually linked to spicy foods or hot peppers.

Recent experiments at the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles provided experimental evidence supporting capsaicin’s ability to halt prostate cell replication and encourage programmed cell death. Heiser said the uncovered benefits of capsaicin are on the right evolutionary road and we as eaters should get on the bandwagon.

“The first path was treating cancer cells with capsaicin and then to use the data to write the study that would then be applied to animals,” she said.

“This is all a scientific process," she said. "We’ll move from a Petrie to replication on an animal model and with good results they are likely to move to human beings. Animals might even be skipped because [hot peppers] are already in our food supply.”

Hot pepper research has become incredibly popular in 2007 with more than 200 placebo-controlled studies conducted in that time.

Halloween FLOG

Guess how many pieces of Halloween candy I ate and didn't feel bad about it?

I've been doing excellent because it's effortless. When I used to be on any sort of weight reduction plan, I knew exactly how many days, hours, minutes, meals that I had cut back. I was aware of how much food I hadn't had. It's only been since last Wednesday, but I actually had to think a minute about when I started. The days have flown by. I truly have not even missed anything, and when opportunities arise to eat, I'm just like, "I really don't want that." And I don't eat it. I can't wait to weigh myself, but then again, yes I can wait. Weight loss seriously is no longer the main focus. It's a by product from the rest. I think that my heart finally caught up with the truth that I have learned. Grace made that switch in me and so far, I've been resting in contentment. It just feels so free to not need food. Last night I went to bed a little hungry satisfied in my soul that breakfast would come soon. Morning came for me about three hours before it came for the boys, and I actually had to make myself cook me something instead of getting started on the day just because I know I needed it. But I was content not to even eat. That is so amazing because it's like a brand new me now. For breakfast I made an omelet and oatmeal. That is also what I fed the little guys and they loved it too. It felt good to prepare such a good breakfast for the simple purpose that I value myself instead of valuing food. I know I've not "arrived," but I sure am enjoying this freedom. Freedom from food is a huge deal for me, but it's not just food. It is every area of my life. And I can honestly say it is not me. DUH, That must be why it's working.

Oh...I ate one piece of Halloween candy. ONE! Do you have any concept of how unlike the old me that is? I unwrapped another one, but then I thought, "I really don't want this." I mean I really didn't. Not for flab consequences, just because I didn't want it. I knew I could have it if I wanted, but I think I've finally filled that hole with something (Real Life) that I used to fill up with food.

Nutrition Nugget

In light of Halloween, let's talk about sugar.
World Health Organization says to limit sugars to 12 teaspoons or 48 grams a day. That is a WHOLE lot less than we get. Four grams of sugar = 1 teaspoon of sugar. One regular cola has 38 grams! So that's 9 1/2 teaspoons just from a coke. 1 bar of milk chocolate candy has 31 grams or almost 8 teaspoons. One bag of skittles has 47 grams. That basically takes the whole recommendation.

Nighttime Parable

Last night I remember a precious dream where I had a great conversation with a precious friend of mine who tragically died a few years ago. In real life, I have always loved her and consider her a good friend, however we didn't exactly have a whole lot in common. In the dream we had a conversation about our weight. I remember knowing she was going to ask about shame and she did. It was like we could read each others minds. When we spoke about about the solutions, the life in us just got bigger and bigger. She made a comment about how it can be really embarrassing to be seen in public with a weight problem. I responded that I felt the same shame and we talked about how Jesus took all that shame, etc. It was a positive and powerful conversation.

When I woke up, I pondered on this dream for a while. I love dreams so much. I believe they are little personal parables just for the dreamer. My friend and I have similar names and we always shared the concern about our weight. In the dream I knew what she was going to ask before she asked it. Because of that, I believe that she represented me. I believe that she was the mirror image of Fat Me not because of her physical weight, but because of her concerns about it. I am thankful for this dream. It shows me exactly where my heart is on this journey. I loved my friend deeply and never saw her with a weight problem. I realize I can also be happy with me in this place and love me the same way. We spoke about issues that really are just distractions when it comes to our weight, particularly shame. It really is embarrassing when you go out in public weight-conscious. We even act differently when we are aware of our physical appearance. Jesus bore our shame...that means he took it away. It's almost like a rejection of that gift when I pick it up again. I'm also judging me when he has already taken away all judgment. It's imaginary. When I have shame, I believe a lie. I don't want to do that anymore. When I start to think on a lie like that, I will remember the truth. I'm who HE says I am, not who I think I am. Here is the best part of the dream....I was having a conversation with a person (my reflection of me) who has been dead for years. Do you understand that? It's really a huge revelation! I no longer live. It is not me but Christ who lives within me. Would a dead person care if she were fat? Um....nope. The more I realize that I have been made new, the more I will effortlessly walk out of the flub-bondage. I don't have to be conscious of where I am not. I only need to allow him to pamper me in this place I stand today and know that because of HIM, I already AM. That is really good news.

Nutritional Nugget: Bell Peppers. Mmmmmmm.

Not only are they pretty, they are nutritious. I've had them on the brain a lot lately, and I even bought more red ones today along with a yellow one just for fun. The really colorful bell peppers like yellow, orange, and red are especially nutrient dense. They have great phytochemicals that include beta-carotene which acts as an antioxidant among other things like conversion to vitamin A for vision. Orange peppers are a top source of lutein and zeaxanthin, which guard against cataracts and macular degeneration. In fact, orange peppers contain more zeaxanthin than any other fruit or vegetable. One small bell even has three times the daily need of vitamin C. This is even more than an orange. The green bell peppers have lots of vitamin C in them too. The more ripe the more colorful the bell pepper. All of them start out as green and then change color and flavor depending on the ripening stage. Cool huh?

Read more at Wholeliving.com: Power Foods: Bell Peppers

By the way, my recipe I posted of Roasted Butternut Squash was great, except I did end up scrapping out of the skin and mashing it. That seemed to be better accepted with my guys. It was yummy. The leftovers I will use to throw into some dish for added nutrients.

Rest is Rest, Not a Magic Potion

The thought occurred to me that, "Yes! This grace stuff works!" I almost had the audacity to think of people I can give this testimony to prove real-live, true-blue, pure grace IS the power to change. It obviously does work, don't get me wrong, but as soon as that thought came to my consciousness, The Lord quickly reminded me that resting is not a formula. It's a fruit of what we believe--who we believe in (Who believes in us). We don't rest to get or change. The change does come, but regardless if it ever does or not, we'll rest. Resting in his love and peace and submitting to his desire to pamper us without us ever doing anything is the goal. That thing (Flabby Flub or whatever,) we see where need to change is not the goal, that just keeps us in self-consciousness. I don't want to get prideful into thinking, "Look how good I'm resting because I'm changing." That is just as bad as dieting. I'm trying to do it myself. I'm getting back into works and out of grace. I've turned grace into a doctrine or a formula. I don't even want to allow those thoughts to enter my mind either. They're sneaky because it seems like this is what it is all about and the right way of thinking. Nope. "Jesus loves me this I know." That is the goal and the rest. It's humbling to allow him to love us perfectly and understand that he sees us perfectly even though we see how far we have to go on our journey. What's humbling is to adopt his perspective. Jesus loves me this I know, and I will think on those things. Then by consequence, I'll wake one day and wonder where did all my weight go? Effortless change that had ZERO to do with me. YES! I'll take it.

Nutritional Nugget
I went to a retirement reception for a professor I had back in the day. It was a nice time, but really yucky weather. Soup became a topic of discussion because on days like this, soup sounds perfect for supper. I love soups too. I was reminiscing with one of my nutrition professors and adviser about a soup she made for us once. This soup is really yummy and nutritious. It has been a while since I made it, but I plan to do so again soon.

Double Corn Chicken Tortilla Soup

1 cup chopped onion
6 gloves garlic, minced
1 banana or red pepper, seeded and chopped
1 tsp cumin or curry powder
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 1/2 (about 3 ears)fresh-cut corn kernels (Frozen corn works too.)
1 1/2 cups tomatoes, peeled and chopped
2 cups low fat or defatted chicken broth
1 1/2 cups coarsely shredded cooked chicken
2 Tbsp chopped fresh oregano
1/4 cup snipped fresh basil
2 cups corn chips
1 cup shredded Mexican cheese blend

In a 3 quart saucepan or stockpot, cook chopped onion, garlic, peppers, and cumin in hot oild about 5 minutes or till onion is transparent, stirring constantly. Don't let the garlic brown. Add corn kernels, tomatoes, chicken broth, and shredded cooked chicken. Bring mixture to boiling; reduce heat. Simmer, covered, for 10 minutes. Add oregano and basil.

To serve ladle soup and top with corn chips. Garnish each bowl of soup with shredded cheese, and fresh basil, if desired. Makes 6 main-dish servings. Serve with warm tortillas. NOTE: If leftover chicken is not available, use deli-roasted chicken.

Nutrition facts per serving: 274 cal, 13 g total fat (2g saturated), 29 mg chol., 504 mg sodium, 26 g carb, 4g fiber, 16g pro. Daily Values: 7% Vita A. 78% Vitamin C. and 14% Iron.

I'm Naked?

I've been thinking about my little breakthrough. The explanation to this freedom is simple. Adam and Even lived in a state of bliss where they walked with God. They were so aware of God that they didn't even know they were naked. They were naked the whole time, you know?

I remember when I was a sophomore in high school, I was teaching creation to some preschool kids. One little boy was really paying attention, I guess, and heard two of the main points. 1) They were in a garden and 2) they were naked. His response to the story: "Adam got splinters in his pee pee." (Chase Bishop, if you are out there, buddy, that was totally you!)

Anyway, it wasn't until Adam and Eve believed the lie that they "lacked" that they became more aware of self than God-conscious. All this stuff about "self help," "growing," "You can be better if..." Is just plain ol' crapola. You know, I realize that most people would see that as a dangerous comment. I can just hear them, "You go and tell people they are good enough where they are, and they'll get into sin and take advantage of the freedom. And for you to believe like that, you've got a lot of growing to do." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe they would be like me and be so grateful for the truth that sets them free that they start living life and don't realize they are doing anything.

Thursday, I was still on a high of freedom....just enjoying the rest, and this is what our day looked like. (The only reason I'm listing what I did is to give a little weight to those skeptics out there.) I woke up happy. I had no expectations on myself all day. I ate, but not too much. I didn't have food on my mind. I made sausage and biscuit for the boys, but I ate a bowl of FiberOne because I felt I needed it. I enjoyed it and didn't crave sausage and biscuit. I enjoyed myself all day. I played with my boys A LOT! and I did so without thinking about what all needs to get done. I cleaned everything on my list for my house. It just sort of happened. I didn't really mean to. I taught my boys how to help me without getting frustrated at their preschool efforts and tantrums. Whatever I had, spilled over to them. Luke took initiative and picked up all the toys that were downstairs and took them upstairs without me telling me. I gave him some candy for taking initiative with a good attitude, and he shared it with his brother. Wha?!?! I took three little boys to town to run some errands at several stores. We had a whole lot of fun at the children's museum. Then I took them grocery shopping. I got home and I made supper for us. We had baked BBQ chicken with baked beans, mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese. I didn't over eat. My portions were just right and I didn't crave more food. I prepped a few suppers for us for the rest of the week, and I made a whole week's worth of supper for a family who needs it. I was planning on straightening the house again, but my lovely husband wanted me to spend time with him. I submitted. We watched "Count of Monte cristo." (I so love that movie.) I enjoyed myself. I didn't feel stressed that there was still a little mess in the kitchen. I didn't put pressure on myself or anybody else. I enjoyed myself where I was without thinking that I can only have fun if I get certain things done. (Those days are over hopefully.) It was a really nice day. Ben woke up about four times before morning. I wasn't aggravated. I genuinely felt love for that little bumpkin all night and it was easy to get up each time to attend to his needs.

I actually had to really sit and think about what I did because all I remembered really is that it was a great day. THAT is what resting in grace and basking in his love will do. I promise you that if I had tried to squeeze all that in one day before this breakthrough, I couldn't have and I would have felt exhausted and frustrated. This is the place to be. Nothing has changed except my perception.

There is a diet out there I've heard of called, "Back to the Garden." I think it has something to do with eating whole foods like Adam and Eve would have. I've never read anything on it, I've just heard people talk about it before. Well, now I'm on a new plan I can call, "Back to the Garden." It is that I stay God-focused. Does that really mean that I've arrived. Well, of course not. Anyone who thinks they know stuff doesn't know anything. That's Bible. It's not humbling either to tell yourself and others of where you need to grow. It's prideful because it causes us to focus on us. Being able to pinpoint where you or others need to grow is nothing short of judgment. Folks who do that are being the serpent to yourself or others calling attention to the lack. Adam and Eve believed the lie that was mixed in with some truth, "If you eat of this fruit you will be like God." Um...the truth was they were already like God. He created them in his image. The life on the inside of them came from the very breath of God Almighty. They already had his perspective. They just lost focused and decided to fix something that didn't need fixing. (Sounds familiar to me!) They ate the fruit to become like God when they already were. They fell for it. Once they took "being" out of the place God had them and into their own actions, their eyes were opened to every area that they lacked. "OMG I'm naked!"

I can just hear Father say, "Who told you you were fat?" I want to be so God-conscious and in a state of rest that I don't see where I need to DO something to become...I want to rest right where I am. And be stunned like I had no idea...."I'm fat? Gosh I had no idea!" A dear friend of mine told me that she was thirty years old and always a great weight when an aunt of hers said something to her about that she looked fat or something. She said it wasn't until that moment that she ever thought about her weight. Then she tried to do something to "fix" it. She dieted and consequently gained weight. Although I think she looks fabulous, she is frustrated and struggles with her weight. She remembers a time before someone called attention to it when she was at a healthy weight. Who told you you were fat, my friend? How and why did you ever come to a place where you believed you were less than you are and now you need to do something to get better. Just rest. Be God-conscious again. Keep your mind renewed to HIS perspective.

Nutritional Nugget: Butternut Squash

I have a butternut squash sitting on my microwave just waiting for me to do something with it. These little dandies are not something I commonly have around the house, but I think I might start. Here are some facts about butternut squash:
They are a kind of winter squash and have a similar sweet, nutty flavor as pumpkin. In some countries, they are known as butternut pumpkin. The more ripe, the deeper the orange it becomes and the sweeter and richer the taste becomes. After cooking, this vegetable is easy to puree up and throw into dishes like mac and cheese or mix 1/2 cup puree with 1/2 shredded cheese and use as the filling for a grilled cheese sandwich.

Butternut squash is rich in fiber and phytochemicals and low in calories. It has even more vitamin A than a pumpkin! WHA?!?! Even the seeds are good for us as a good source of fiber and monounsaturated fatty acids. Go Butternut Squash!

I found the following Roasted Butternut Squash recipe on foodnetwork.com, and I think this is what I will do with my squash:

Ingredients

* 2 medium butternut squash, halved lengthwise and seeded
* 4 teaspoons butter
* 4 teaspoons brown sugar
* Salt and pepper

Directions

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Place butternut squash halves on a large baking sheet flesh side up. Place 1 teaspoon butter in the middle of each squash. Sprinkle brown sugar over each squash. Season with salt and black pepper. Roast 25 minutes, until flesh is fork-tender. Reserve 2 halves for future meal.

Breakthrough...A real Breakthrough!!!

It's amazing what identifying my place in the journey did for me. I'm still so touched that I hope I can get this out. This is such a simple little story, but I'm totally changed. I've been meditating on it for three days now, and I'm telling you that I am changed. It's like I've got a new, brighter light illuminating my path except I'm so looking at the light, that I don't know I'm walking down the path.

I started a new job Wednesday. I knew that the first morning on my job would be hectic because the drive is over an hour, and I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be late. So I picked up a quick breakfast for the boys. The all-nutritious donuts. (Yep. On my way to consult as a dietitian and I gave my boys a box of donuts before I left.) Well, I got me a donut too, and I put it in the passenger seat. There was a hint of, "I shouldn't be doing this," but I let that thought go as quickly as it came. As I drank my coffee, I had a nice little morning ponder on that scenic drive. My thoughts went something like this:

I reflected a minute about my eating habits the past couple days. Yeah, yeah I'm not putting myself under law any more. That is to say, no more diets for me to break and pull me back down. But oh my goodness, I was just not even sure what I have eaten that last two days. I was sure it wasn't exactly promoting my weight loss. Nevertheless, I know this new revelation of truly living in rest and contentment is truth, and I will rest in that truth fat or skinny. Even if it never "WORKS" for me, it is still truth. The thought crossed my mind too that if I'm not "trying" then what in the world am I going to blog about? (ha ha ha!) Oh well. I'm not "doing" any more. Freedom and rest is what it's all about. I'm not going back there. I will only work to stay in rest. (Labor into rest.) To me that means that when those negative thoughts or old thoughts come back to distract me, I will tell them where to go and how to get there. I will not allow them to influence me. Only God's thoughts toward me are allowed to influence me. I did sort of ask Father to give me something to blog about, but I wasn't really dwelling on it. I'm serious that I'm giving up all expectations of myself. If that means that my life begins to closely resemble a knot on a log, then so be it.

Well, I wasn't trying to be spiritual or anything. I mean I was just jamming to Dave Matthews, but my goodness I became very aware of Father's presence. (I know he's a big fan of Dave too. Ha Ha Ha. Seriously!) I began to feel his love wrapping around me and had this knowing about how he loves me. He began to show me the plans he has for Wayne and me, and I was absorbed in the honor and excitement it is to be able to do those things. I began to imagine what our life will be like and notice all that he is doing with us now that is leading to that. I was so excited and full of life. Nothing else mattered, you know? All this stuff just sort of came to me. I wasn't trying to have a "devotional" or whatever. I had not designated this morning commute as Faith-Build Up Exercises or Forced Fatherly Fun or anything. I was just enjoying the morning drive. Time flew by. Before I knew it, I was thirty miles down the road. I looked over and saw that donut, and I just begin to tear up and get emotional. This is really hard to describe, because it seems so silly to me. I didn't even want it. I realized in that moment that I had done nothing. Nothing. There was no prep work for me to be open to the Spirit or anything. It just came. This was the biggest breakthrough ever and it came effortlessly. In the past, even if I didn't eat the donut, I would be aware of its presence, you know what I mean? It was like I had food on my brain all the time. Being a dietitian only makes it worse because now I get paid to think about food. But I fully experienced what I know in my heart to be true. Basking in HIS presence, allowing HIM to love me the way he created me to be loved, and thinking only on those things from his point of view made me more God-conscious than food-conscious. Until that moment of true freedom, I didn't really realize how in bondage I was to food and to flab. I was set free. I am set free. I have been and all that, but now I really know it. I experienced it. All I could think of the rest of the way was how truly good he really, really is. "Gooder" than I even thought. I had to almost snap out of it before I got to work because I was so emotional I didn't want to have my mascara run before my first day on the job.

Well, this is the rest of the story. I went to work, and I did a good job. My love tank was overflowing, and they picked up on it. Immediate favor with my new coworkers. They even told me that they feel like they've known me forever, and I'm a part of them. WOW! How does that happen? They fed me a really great lunch. I remember it being yummy. I'm not sure why I stopped eating. All I know is that I threw my plate away with food left all over it. Um....even if I had done that in the past, I would have been thinking about the food that was left to eat. I never even thought about eating the rest of the day until my belly growled. Then I was like, "I'm hungry?" And then I would eat. I'm telling you. EFFORTLESS. And this freedom taste so good. I'm getting emotional even right now. It's funny how we don't know how in bondage we are until we step into freedom. The important thing is that I didn't work this up, it just came. All I had to do is get out of the way and let it come. I think me wanting something so badly....weight loss....almost controlled the solution from coming. I've heard of that before. I think it was Bertie who said he has known lots of ladies who want a child so much but are unable to have one. They finally adopt and get what they want. They quit "trying" then all of the sudden they are pregnant. I've known that to happen before too....but why? Because they finally find themselves content, happy, and in a place of rest. Out of that place, God can literally birth something (somebody) new.

I'm thankful. So very, very thankful. Now that I've tasted this freedom, I know I can't ever go back. I think what it will take for me to keep from falling back is that when those distracting thoughts creep up, I just renew my mind to the higher ground....Just rest. I also think it is awesome that in this freedom experience I also now have a renewed passion of things I can write about. It's like an extra little goody answer to prayer. He's an all your cake, with two scoops of ice cream, and eat it too kind of Daddy!

Nutritional Nugget:
My lunch at my new job was very yummy. We had turnip greens. That is something I remember calling "Pa's mud" when I was little. I don't know why except I knew they were gross. Over the years, I developed a big liking to them that I probably can credit to taste-bud desensitization. During lunch, I still had in the back of my mind that turnip greens were clearly the most nutritious thing on my plate. I did eat all of them. Greens are actually very nutritious. Here's the low down on dark green and leafies.

Dark green leafy vegetables are good sources of many vitamins that inclued vitamins A, C, and K and folate and minerals such as iron and calcium. They are also great sources of fiber. The darker the green, the more nutritious it is. A lactation consultant even told me once that she was consulted because a patient's breastmilk was green. The new mom, doctor, and nurses were a little freaked out and thought something must be wrong with her milk. The lactation consultant knew right away to ask what she had for lunch which was a big bowl of turnip greens. The green goodness crept into the milk for the baby.

Research suggests that the nutrients found in dark green vegetables may prevent certain types of cancers and promote heart health. Green and leafies are likely the most nutritious of any food calorie for calorie. I know that any time there was a question on a nutrition exam that said, "Which of the following is highest in ____." The answer was always the green vegetable.

Perhaps the star nutrient for green and leafies is Vitamin K. Vitamin K is a fantastic little vitamin and seems to be popping up with new great traits for it. Vitamin K is known for regulating blood clotting. In fact, it is so good that if someone who gets a little too much blood thinner or someone on blood thinner cuts themselves and can't stop bleeding, the Doc will give them a shot of Vitamin K in the E.R. We actually have to teach people to eat a consistent diet of vitamin K when they are on blood thinners so they don't undo the effects of the medication. Vitamin K is also helps protect bones from osteoporosis. May help prevent and possibly even reduce atherosclerosis by reducing calcium in arterial plaques. May be a key regulator of inflammation, and may help protect us from inflammatory diseases including arthitis. And I've even read that it may help prevent diabetes. Even if vitamin K doesn't prevent diabetes, I know that green and leafies are a great food for diabetics, and anyone for that matter, because of the nutrient dense, low calorie, high fiber. They are also low on the glycemic index for those peeps concerned with that.

Don't feel guilty for adding a little fatty flavor to the greens. Many of the nutrients in green and leafies are absorbed better with fat. So toss that salad with a good dressing or saute the spinach in a little olive oil. Yummy up those turnip greens! It is recommended that we get about 3 cups of dark green vegetables per week, or about ½ a cup every day. That's not too hard to do.

The "Rest" Of The Story

So much for Human Wisdom! Where does that ever get anyone? I'm breaking the cycle, and I think I have just the exit strategy. No more condemnation. When I start to feel bad about myself or notice how fat I still am or getting on myself for allowing myself to get into this despicable state, ---I will remember.

When I think I have to prove something because I'm a dietitian AND a child of the King and weight loss is fruit that says, "I'm right." ---I will remember.

When I place food above anything, ---I will remember.

In reality, I only think I'm being judged because I'm judging myself. And if anyone is actually judging me, then I will consider it a reflection of my judgement for myself. I can only recognize judgment from others when I judge myself anyway.

AND the truth is that I have made huge leaps and bounds on this journey fairly effortlessly. I mean there have been a few bumps in the trail, but there has been change in my heart....the change that truly matters. The past little bit I've allowed myself to be distracted with the slow results. I feel I'm not good enough, because I measured me by what things appear to be instead of what God's Truth is about me.

The state that I am in and my weight may be factual, but it is not the truth. I'm going to "remember" from now on. No more playing games. If I never write another thing about nutrition, then so be it. This is not a bunch of rules to be broken. Yes, there are very practical things that I can do and not do to promote this weight loss thing. I do need to eat less. I've got the eating-to-maintain thing down. I have come that far, but to lose weight properly, I have to eat under what I really need. I was trying to force myself to do that with a diet. I KNOW that doesn't work! Why did I stop by here again? At least it was just a few days. What I will remember is who I am.

I desire weight loss more than anything. I have a problem. I'm fat. But me dwelling on that means I am not content with myself. I see exactly where I want to change. You know what the truth is? That discontentment with myself means that even if I reach the end of the journey, I will likely gain weight again or at best just never really feel happy with myself. No amount of weight can fill up that void of discontentment. There is only one cure and it is not a method or magic formula.

All I need to do is to rest and enjoy the scenery.

Does that mean that I eat a box of donuts for a midnight snack every night? Um...of course not. There is still practical wisdom. And even if I were to want to eat a box of Little Debbie's in one sitting(like that hilarious patient said,) God is so good that he even gives us grace to get grace. When I take the reigns because I'm "Not Satisfied" and discontent, I feel I must DO something about this which means I jump out of grace and rest and into works. I allowed myself to be tempted when I began to feel discontentment with myself. I fell for it when I tried to speed things up with a diet.

Today, I heard a message from the magnificent Bertie Britt. He said nothing about nutritional density or portion control, but what he did say was life changing. He was talking about Jesus in the wilderness after fasting for 40 days and nights. He believes Jesus was hungry since day one, but what he became hungry for on day forty was affirmation that he was in the right place and he was who he was told he was---the son of God. Could he feel "right" even in the dessert where there were no miracles taking place or any voices reassuring him? He became hungry for some tangible proof and THEN Satan was able to come and tempt him. Satan said, "If you are the son of God, turn these stones into bread"....etc. "DO" something to try to fill that void of hunger for affirmation. I learned a long time ago that if you have to do something to PROVE it, then you aren't really what you thought anyway. I mean you never really believed what you thought you believe anyway.

So here I am on my journey. In the weight loss wilderness. Discontented with myself. Not satisfied that slow weight loss is enough. Hungry for proof that my thoughts about this journey are the right thoughts and wanting to prove it to the world for validation.....Isn't that totally DISGUSTING? Perfect storm for me to forget everything I know and fall into temptation. I totally bit the apple. I put a law on myself to break free from the flub. -----a diet. Don't ever. Don't never,never, ever. "Do" only if it is birthed from the inside. You will know because it is effortless change. His burden is easy and light. His reality is already in there. I just forgot for a little while. I don't need skinny me to appear for me to be happy. I don't need to cut my jean size in half to feel blessed. I am blessed because of whose I am. And that's enough. That is totally enough. Everything else is just an extra little goody, but not my source. I must remember in order to continue this journey even if it is just one baby step at a time. (Slow and steady wins the race.)

To quote the last words of probably my all time favorite children's book, "I Wish I Had Duck Feet,"

"And so I think there are some things I do not wish to be,
and that is why I think that I just wish to be like me."

I will continue to make good choices, but out of who I am and not because I am putting myself under some law. I will not think and certainly not say negative things about my weight. I will speak only the truth about me, and truth is what Jesus says about me. I will feast on the BREAD (Jesus) daily and rest in the knowledge of his love for me. Then one day, I'll wake up and wonder where I lost the weight along the way. That will be a neat day.

Nutritional Nugget
How about mashed sweet potatoes?

Bake the whole sweet potato to preserve nutrients. Scrape out the potatoe from the skin and mash. Add whatever you like: Molasses or maple syrup. Just a little milk and butter. Salt, Pepper, Maybe cinnamon. Maybe top with pecans or even marshmallows. As the spirit leads, my friends. (I think I'll have these soon.)

Reflection

This week, I analyzed. Reflected. Pondered. I took a good long hard look at the flaws in the mirror. I got honest with myself. Where am I on this journey? I'll tell me where! I started this blog/weight loss journey four months ago. Before then, I had been on a steady incline of gaining weight that I did not want. The reason? I ate too much. But I ate too much because I allowed a drama train to run me over and I counseled with food with the calorie clock ticking. I'm ashamed to say before I rode the dip on the emotional roller coaster, I had been burning some baby weight, but after WHOA!!!! I gained about 28 pounds or so in six months before I decided enough is enough. This little bloggy has helped me. It stopped me dead in my tracks of gaining and I've lost.....but not nearly enough. Now I have a fan base (so I people tell me,) and I've got eyes looking at me. I've had a few bumps in the rode, But where are the results? From nowhere I have realized that the change in my heart is not good enough. I've got to show that this is working. Prove it, even. I'm out of touch with Skinny Me. I'm ready for fat me to starve to death (not literally...just make her think she is! Wha ha ha ha.) I adopted a few "points of wisdom" to help meet me where I am. I knew I was not seeing myself right-mindedly. But enough was enough. I decided some things...I don't really love to brush my teeth, but I love not to get cavities. I don't like washing the dishes, but I love having a clean kitchen. I don't like putting my boys to bed, but I love the quiet down time that follows and having rested boys the next day. Do you see what I'm saying? There are lots of things in this world that I don't particularly like, but I never really sit around and struggle with all those tasks in my mind because I love the consequences of those actions more. I decided that I don't really like to diet, but do I value feeling good, losing weight, fitting nicely into my clothes above food? ...I do think this is a good question for me to continually ask myself. Am I really putting food above things I consider more valuable like being happy with myself when I look in the mirror. So I decided to really do a weight loss diet. (Can you believe it? I fell for it!)

I was really out to prove to myself and to the world that I was "RIGHT, Dang it!" I was going to prove that I must be right as evidenced by all my weight loss that just seems to drop off with ease. I was diligent to write down everything I was eating. It worked ok the first day, but then I slowly started realizing I was trying to deceive myself. I would have a subconscious thought like, "That mini Almond Joy is not worth writing down. Don't even count it. Your blog readers might think you are so weird." Ka-Razy. I started on Monday. I ate a bunch of yummy, but not-so nutritionally dense food, but really watched my portions. I felt a little hungry. On Tuesday...the same thing. On Wednesday I had to eat a little bit more to spare me from eating my hand. (This way has not been easy and light.) Things were getting pretty hectic in the ol' bod so I planned for Thursday. I went to the store and got some perfect foods for me to eat that would be nutritionally sound and keep me from feeling hunger. I was going out with the girls that night and knew I would eat a little more than I had been. I saved up my calories to spend at the Olive Garden. But Thursday came, and so did the unleashing of the beast. I ate every bit of whatever stuffed pasta that was, and then I got a 20oz sissy coffee. WHA?!?!?! I haven't eaten like that in a while. I embarrassed myself, but all I could think of to say was, "BACK OFF! I'M STARVING!" Well, then I felt like a total failure with the attitude, "If I can't do it, then I might as well give up and give in." ...How many times I have been here in my life? Surely this is some sort of cycle like a loop along the trail. I can never get to where I want to go if I keep passing this mile marker over and over and over.... I think the cycle would be:

1) Gain weight.
2) Feeling bad about weight. (Seeing the flaws)
3) Behavior modification/forcing myself/laws/diet.
4) Failure at the diet.
5) Condemnation/Bad attitude.
6) Give up and give in.
1) Gain weight.

Well, really since my blog, I haven't gained weight. But the loss has been excruciatingly slow. How do I break this cycle?

Friday, I actually did ok, But that day I worked 18 hours. I didn't make it home until 3:00am. My brain was fried and I ate two pieces of veggie pizza even though really I just needed sleep.


Thinking about all this makes me want to force behavior modification again when obviously it doesn't work...In fact, it is counter productive.

Today is Saturday. I haven't been perfect, but I've been decent. I haven't felt like I was hungry, but it hasn't been that bad. Today, freedom came to visit.


....To Be Continued. (And the rest of the story is best.)

Nutritional Nugget:
I saw this recipe on the internet. I think I'd like to try it. Sweet potato and apple soup. There were no measurements. Ha! Another guy out there who cooks as the Spirit leads.
Add: a little water, leeks or onions, chunked sweet potatoes, apple slices, and fill up with chicken stock.

Never know till we taste it!

Lobster Tales

I was cleaning out my recipes the other day when I ran across a note to myself from 2005 on my lobster recipe that said, "The lobster is done when the leg or antennae pops off easily." What in the world?!?!?! Am I a sick weirdo or what?!?! 2005 would be about right because I wouldn't have made Lobster since we had kids and the first born came in 2006. I don't consider myself a gourmet chef, although I still love what I heard my adviser, professor, mentor, friend, Dr. Cunningham say at a Tennessee Dietetic Association meeting once, "Gourmet is a feeling." There are a few out-of-the-box dishes I can make, lobster being one of them. With Halloween in the air, posting about lobsters seems even more fitting because THEY ARE SO SCARY AND DISGUSTING! Here are a few lobster tips:

1) Make sure you buy lobster from a reputable seafood supplier. (I get mine from the seafood supplier at Kroger.) You want to make sure the handler knows his/her stuff because the illness-causing boo boos in seafood can sometimes not be cooked out. The safety is in the handling.
2) Put the lobster in cold a pot of water and then turn up the heat. This way the lobster goes to sleep and it is not so tortuous for it. It is a little freaky to hear it scratching around in the pot. Ahhhhhh!
3) Make sure you cook it until it is done...like I said, the antennae or leg will pop off easily.
4) Serve it with clarified butter. (Just get real butter and melt it.)

Ok, so here is my big tale. I'm not sure if I have all my lobster terminology correct, but I'm still higher up on the food chain. My Dietary Manager, Donna, and I decided to cook Lobster for the board meeting at the hospital. I was already skiddish after driving 20 miles with thirteen lobsters scratching around the box in my back seat. It was time to cook them. Most everyone had already gone home for the day. Donna held the live lobster with tongs so they faced me while I was supposed to clip off the rubber bands from their claws. Now I'm sure we could have and probably should have left the rubber bands on their claws, but I was afraid the rubber band would affect the flavor of the lobster. I insisted we cut them free before boiling. She would hold those things up, and I panicked every time those little beady eyes would stare at me.

It was like they were just waiting to get free so they could snap my finger off. (At least I WAS working about 30 paces from the ER.) Every time I clipped one of the twenty-six claws, I would scream. Like a real live, loud, something-is-going-to-get-me scream. It was quite an ordeal. Donna was completely stressed out holding those things with nothing but tongs, and I was not making it easy on her. She had the hard job. The kitchen was quite a ways from the nursing station, but later I found out that the nurses could hear me screaming all the way down the hall. To this day I wish we could have video taped us cooking lobster. I'm sure we could have won a funniest video contest. I still laugh about that.

Nutritional Nugget:
More sweet potatoes please?

Sweet Potato Fries From the Food Network
Ingredients

* 1 1/2 pounds sweet potatoes, peeled (2 medium potatoes)
* 1 tablespoon canola oil
* 1/2 teaspoon salt, plus more, to taste
* Cooking spray

Directions

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F.

Cut the potatoes lengthwise into 1/4-inch thick matchsticks, and toss with the oil and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray. Arrange the potatoes in a single layer on the baking sheet and bake until the "fries" are tender and crisp, about 30 minutes.

Season with additional salt, to taste. Serve immediately.

Hotdog Jack

Today is my Jack's 4th birthday. He is the most unique child I've ever met. One of my most favorite things about Jack is his love for food. It is not just a physical love, it is a passion. The quickest way to Jack's heart is definitely through the taste buds. Kid LOVES to eat. He loves to help cook. He wears his apron more than I wear mine. He plays El Tap. He makes birthday "dinners" complete with cakes in his toy kitchen. He has a "Hotdog store" where he pretends it is a grocery store/deli. His pirate name is "Hotdog Jack." His ninja name is "Chef Fighter" with two wooden spoons as his weapons. He informed me of a limited list of places he will visit. They included: Nana'house, Moowee's house, Kendall's house, El Tap, Burger King, and Old McDonald's. Kendall's house is chosen because it is so fun. Every other place is because of what he eats or cooks there. He will taste anything and is hands down the most versatile eater in the house. He doesn't just eat, he dines. This is a child who might dance in his chair after taking a bite of something delish. He began asking for this year's birthday cake before Christmas last year. Throughout the year, he added more and more cakes. It started with a Sally Cake and then a Football cake. A few weeks ago after hearing him discuss all his cakes he wanted, I said, "Jack, I just don't think we could have six cakes for your birthday." He said, "I don't want six cakes. I want seven." We had a family party. His Aunt Boo made him a Sally cake and a football cake. Then we had a candy bar (like a salad bar of candy) and two kinds of cupcakes for the guests to decorate. He loved it.

Jack has this funny little personality that makes him act incredibly awkward in the presence of others, but he morphs into a totally different child in the grocery store. This quiet and shy guy suddenly starts making up songs about the foods he wants to purchase. Everyone who passes laughs at his enthusiasm in produce section or bakery. I usually end up spending more when I take Jack to the grocery store. When I bring home groceries, Jack is the one who unloads them. It is as exciting as Christmas morning. (I am not exaggerating. I have it on film.) Each item, no matter what, is treasured and he usually takes the more exceptional pieces and shows them to his dad and brothers. It is awesome. Uncle Ben got Jack a thermal lunch sack and had "Hotdog Jack" embroidered on it. It was filled with Nathan's Famous Hotdogs. Jack loved it. In honor of Jack, we dined today.

For his breakfast, I made oatmeal pancakes with whipped cream and a gum drop on top, and of course a candle.
Nathan's Famous Hotdog for Lunch.
El Tap for supper.

I looked through Jack's birthday party pictures today. I hate to have my picture taken, but someone caught me in a picture when I was helping him with the cakes. YUCK-O-RAMA. The good thing about this image is that it did not throw me into the pit of despair, rather it became an encouragement for me to want to eat less, watch those portions, and exercise today.

Nutritional Nugget: More sweety potatoes

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. One of my all time favorite pies is sweet potato pie. I always start thinking about it this time of year. I thought I had Granny's recipe. It was yummy and I remember making it with her. I couldn't find it anywhere so I called Granny who said she couldn't remember how to make it because she didn't much care for it anyway. Ha Ha Ha! I looked in every church cookbook I had and no sweet potato pie recipe. What's wrong with these good southern church ladies? So alas, I had to pull one from the ever faithful internet. If you are going to eat pie, you might as well eat one loaded with vitamin A.

This recipe is from Paula Dean---A truly good southern lady.(We never had a meringue on our sweet potato pie. That seems weird to me.)

Old Fashioned Sweet Potato Pie

3 egg whites
1 9-inch unbaked pie crust
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1 cup milk
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract or 1-2 tablespoons bourbon
1/2 stick melted butter
1 1/4 cups sugar
2 cups peeled, cooked sweet potatoes
Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

For the filling, using an electric hand mixer, combine the potatoes, 1 cup of the sugar, the butter, eggs, vanilla, salt, and spices. Mix thoroughly. Add the milk and continue to mix. Pour the filling into the pie crust and bake for 35-45 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean. Place the pie on a rack and cool to room temperature before covering with meringue.

For the meringue, using an electric mixer, beat the egg whites until soft peaks form; beat in the remaining 1/4 cup sugar 1 tablespoon at a time. Continue beating until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is glossy and stiff, but not dry. With a rubber spatula, spoon the meringue onto the pie, forming peaks. Make sure the meringue touches the crust all around. Sprinkle with a pinch of granulated sugar. Bake for 10-12 minutes, or until delicately browned. Cool and serve.

I Wish I had a Little More

I know I've posted MyPlate before, but I wanted to talk about it again. I had the best time last week getting to teach nutrition to several groups of health care employees. MyPlate is one of the things I spoke about. I have to admit, when they came out with this one, I kind of rolled my eyes. Another visual aid to promote. Please give us a break! But actually the more I pondered on this, the more I like it. It is not to replace the MyPyramid, but this one is to help us know how to build our plates with the emphasis on portion control. Of course we want to choose the better foods for us in terms of nutrient-density. The plate isn't a huge platter either. Think of it the size of a regular paper plate or salad plate. Divide the plate in half. Once the portions are served, there is still room on the plate. You don't have to eat each food group each meal, obviously. That would be unpractical. Choose the appropriate portion sizes. Don't go back for seconds. Plan for snacks. Here is what MyPlate my look like on a daily basis....

As a nation we just plain ol' overeat especially here in the south. Last time I checked, USA is the second fattest nation in the world, and Tennessee is the second fattest state in the union next to Mississippi. (If I recall, the fattest nation is a little island in the Pacific with a diet rich in coconut, and where obesity is considered highly attractive.) After I gave my speech for the umpteenth time at work, I had to admit to myself...I also overeat. I usually overeat just because I like to eat especially because I like the taste of the food. I purchase, choose, and eat really healthful, good foods, but even the most nutritious still contain calories. It is time to change my way of thinking (again). A friend at church told me once that his dad used to say, "It's better leave the table wishing you had a little more, than to wish you hadn't eaten so much." Yep. That sounds about right to me.

FLOG
Well today sounds terrible....
I ate chiggers (two slices of french toast with just a hint of syrup.)
1 cup skim milk
I had to try Nathan's Famous hotdog (Thanks to Uncle Ben's birthday gift to Hotdog Jack.)
Glass of fruit tea. (I just love it so much....but I'm quickly learning that I hate the effect of the sugar rush.)
And then I ate at a women's meeting....um yeah...enough said.
Well, although it sounds terrible, It was actually a descent win for me today. I did not overeat. I stopped when I got full with the exception of the white chocolate chip cookie at church. I was full so I refused, but then I gave in, and yes it was worthy.

Nutritional Nugget: Sweet Potatoes.

Sweet potatoes are different from yams. Sweet potatoes are more beige on the outside, yellow on the inside, more firm, and more nutritious than yams. Sweet potatoes are rich in complex carbs, dietary fiber, beta carotene, vitamin C and B6. Considering the nutrition also including protein, iron, and calcium, Sweet potatoes ranked considerably higher than any other vegetable. I always tell people if you have only one food to live off of, choose sweet potatoes.

I love sweet potatoes. You can use them in all sorts of dishes. I love to have baked sweet potatoes as a side dish. I've said before that I love to eat them in pancakes. In the past I would just throw some sweet potato puree in my pancake recipe. It is really very yummy, and my favorite kind of pancake. The last time I made them, I decided to actually have the sweet potato as the base. Yum Yum in my Tum Tum. I still need to experiment because they were way too floppy and fragile. Even still they were oh so good. I think sometime I will add less liquid and serve as a savory side dish with a meal. There are lots of recipes online, but for whatever reason, I think I can't go by one. This is the recipe I should have followed, but altered too much. It was still very yum yum. I know the following original recipe would really be good. Why do I reinvent the wheel?

Sweet Potato Pancakes

16 ounces orange-flesh sweet potato (about 2 medium sweet potatoes)
3/4 cup whole-wheat flour
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 cup butter
2 large eggs, beaten
2 tablespoons molasses
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups milk

(Some of the above content came from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweet_potato)