Reflection

This week, I analyzed. Reflected. Pondered. I took a good long hard look at the flaws in the mirror. I got honest with myself. Where am I on this journey? I'll tell me where! I started this blog/weight loss journey four months ago. Before then, I had been on a steady incline of gaining weight that I did not want. The reason? I ate too much. But I ate too much because I allowed a drama train to run me over and I counseled with food with the calorie clock ticking. I'm ashamed to say before I rode the dip on the emotional roller coaster, I had been burning some baby weight, but after WHOA!!!! I gained about 28 pounds or so in six months before I decided enough is enough. This little bloggy has helped me. It stopped me dead in my tracks of gaining and I've lost.....but not nearly enough. Now I have a fan base (so I people tell me,) and I've got eyes looking at me. I've had a few bumps in the rode, But where are the results? From nowhere I have realized that the change in my heart is not good enough. I've got to show that this is working. Prove it, even. I'm out of touch with Skinny Me. I'm ready for fat me to starve to death (not literally...just make her think she is! Wha ha ha ha.) I adopted a few "points of wisdom" to help meet me where I am. I knew I was not seeing myself right-mindedly. But enough was enough. I decided some things...I don't really love to brush my teeth, but I love not to get cavities. I don't like washing the dishes, but I love having a clean kitchen. I don't like putting my boys to bed, but I love the quiet down time that follows and having rested boys the next day. Do you see what I'm saying? There are lots of things in this world that I don't particularly like, but I never really sit around and struggle with all those tasks in my mind because I love the consequences of those actions more. I decided that I don't really like to diet, but do I value feeling good, losing weight, fitting nicely into my clothes above food? ...I do think this is a good question for me to continually ask myself. Am I really putting food above things I consider more valuable like being happy with myself when I look in the mirror. So I decided to really do a weight loss diet. (Can you believe it? I fell for it!)

I was really out to prove to myself and to the world that I was "RIGHT, Dang it!" I was going to prove that I must be right as evidenced by all my weight loss that just seems to drop off with ease. I was diligent to write down everything I was eating. It worked ok the first day, but then I slowly started realizing I was trying to deceive myself. I would have a subconscious thought like, "That mini Almond Joy is not worth writing down. Don't even count it. Your blog readers might think you are so weird." Ka-Razy. I started on Monday. I ate a bunch of yummy, but not-so nutritionally dense food, but really watched my portions. I felt a little hungry. On Tuesday...the same thing. On Wednesday I had to eat a little bit more to spare me from eating my hand. (This way has not been easy and light.) Things were getting pretty hectic in the ol' bod so I planned for Thursday. I went to the store and got some perfect foods for me to eat that would be nutritionally sound and keep me from feeling hunger. I was going out with the girls that night and knew I would eat a little more than I had been. I saved up my calories to spend at the Olive Garden. But Thursday came, and so did the unleashing of the beast. I ate every bit of whatever stuffed pasta that was, and then I got a 20oz sissy coffee. WHA?!?!?! I haven't eaten like that in a while. I embarrassed myself, but all I could think of to say was, "BACK OFF! I'M STARVING!" Well, then I felt like a total failure with the attitude, "If I can't do it, then I might as well give up and give in." ...How many times I have been here in my life? Surely this is some sort of cycle like a loop along the trail. I can never get to where I want to go if I keep passing this mile marker over and over and over.... I think the cycle would be:

1) Gain weight.
2) Feeling bad about weight. (Seeing the flaws)
3) Behavior modification/forcing myself/laws/diet.
4) Failure at the diet.
5) Condemnation/Bad attitude.
6) Give up and give in.
1) Gain weight.

Well, really since my blog, I haven't gained weight. But the loss has been excruciatingly slow. How do I break this cycle?

Friday, I actually did ok, But that day I worked 18 hours. I didn't make it home until 3:00am. My brain was fried and I ate two pieces of veggie pizza even though really I just needed sleep.


Thinking about all this makes me want to force behavior modification again when obviously it doesn't work...In fact, it is counter productive.

Today is Saturday. I haven't been perfect, but I've been decent. I haven't felt like I was hungry, but it hasn't been that bad. Today, freedom came to visit.


....To Be Continued. (And the rest of the story is best.)

Nutritional Nugget:
I saw this recipe on the internet. I think I'd like to try it. Sweet potato and apple soup. There were no measurements. Ha! Another guy out there who cooks as the Spirit leads.
Add: a little water, leeks or onions, chunked sweet potatoes, apple slices, and fill up with chicken stock.

Never know till we taste it!