Nighttime Parable

Last night I remember a precious dream where I had a great conversation with a precious friend of mine who tragically died a few years ago. In real life, I have always loved her and consider her a good friend, however we didn't exactly have a whole lot in common. In the dream we had a conversation about our weight. I remember knowing she was going to ask about shame and she did. It was like we could read each others minds. When we spoke about about the solutions, the life in us just got bigger and bigger. She made a comment about how it can be really embarrassing to be seen in public with a weight problem. I responded that I felt the same shame and we talked about how Jesus took all that shame, etc. It was a positive and powerful conversation.

When I woke up, I pondered on this dream for a while. I love dreams so much. I believe they are little personal parables just for the dreamer. My friend and I have similar names and we always shared the concern about our weight. In the dream I knew what she was going to ask before she asked it. Because of that, I believe that she represented me. I believe that she was the mirror image of Fat Me not because of her physical weight, but because of her concerns about it. I am thankful for this dream. It shows me exactly where my heart is on this journey. I loved my friend deeply and never saw her with a weight problem. I realize I can also be happy with me in this place and love me the same way. We spoke about issues that really are just distractions when it comes to our weight, particularly shame. It really is embarrassing when you go out in public weight-conscious. We even act differently when we are aware of our physical appearance. Jesus bore our shame...that means he took it away. It's almost like a rejection of that gift when I pick it up again. I'm also judging me when he has already taken away all judgment. It's imaginary. When I have shame, I believe a lie. I don't want to do that anymore. When I start to think on a lie like that, I will remember the truth. I'm who HE says I am, not who I think I am. Here is the best part of the dream....I was having a conversation with a person (my reflection of me) who has been dead for years. Do you understand that? It's really a huge revelation! I no longer live. It is not me but Christ who lives within me. Would a dead person care if she were fat? Um....nope. The more I realize that I have been made new, the more I will effortlessly walk out of the flub-bondage. I don't have to be conscious of where I am not. I only need to allow him to pamper me in this place I stand today and know that because of HIM, I already AM. That is really good news.

Nutritional Nugget: Bell Peppers. Mmmmmmm.

Not only are they pretty, they are nutritious. I've had them on the brain a lot lately, and I even bought more red ones today along with a yellow one just for fun. The really colorful bell peppers like yellow, orange, and red are especially nutrient dense. They have great phytochemicals that include beta-carotene which acts as an antioxidant among other things like conversion to vitamin A for vision. Orange peppers are a top source of lutein and zeaxanthin, which guard against cataracts and macular degeneration. In fact, orange peppers contain more zeaxanthin than any other fruit or vegetable. One small bell even has three times the daily need of vitamin C. This is even more than an orange. The green bell peppers have lots of vitamin C in them too. The more ripe the more colorful the bell pepper. All of them start out as green and then change color and flavor depending on the ripening stage. Cool huh?

Read more at Wholeliving.com: Power Foods: Bell Peppers

By the way, my recipe I posted of Roasted Butternut Squash was great, except I did end up scrapping out of the skin and mashing it. That seemed to be better accepted with my guys. It was yummy. The leftovers I will use to throw into some dish for added nutrients.

Rest is Rest, Not a Magic Potion

The thought occurred to me that, "Yes! This grace stuff works!" I almost had the audacity to think of people I can give this testimony to prove real-live, true-blue, pure grace IS the power to change. It obviously does work, don't get me wrong, but as soon as that thought came to my consciousness, The Lord quickly reminded me that resting is not a formula. It's a fruit of what we believe--who we believe in (Who believes in us). We don't rest to get or change. The change does come, but regardless if it ever does or not, we'll rest. Resting in his love and peace and submitting to his desire to pamper us without us ever doing anything is the goal. That thing (Flabby Flub or whatever,) we see where need to change is not the goal, that just keeps us in self-consciousness. I don't want to get prideful into thinking, "Look how good I'm resting because I'm changing." That is just as bad as dieting. I'm trying to do it myself. I'm getting back into works and out of grace. I've turned grace into a doctrine or a formula. I don't even want to allow those thoughts to enter my mind either. They're sneaky because it seems like this is what it is all about and the right way of thinking. Nope. "Jesus loves me this I know." That is the goal and the rest. It's humbling to allow him to love us perfectly and understand that he sees us perfectly even though we see how far we have to go on our journey. What's humbling is to adopt his perspective. Jesus loves me this I know, and I will think on those things. Then by consequence, I'll wake one day and wonder where did all my weight go? Effortless change that had ZERO to do with me. YES! I'll take it.

Nutritional Nugget
I went to a retirement reception for a professor I had back in the day. It was a nice time, but really yucky weather. Soup became a topic of discussion because on days like this, soup sounds perfect for supper. I love soups too. I was reminiscing with one of my nutrition professors and adviser about a soup she made for us once. This soup is really yummy and nutritious. It has been a while since I made it, but I plan to do so again soon.

Double Corn Chicken Tortilla Soup

1 cup chopped onion
6 gloves garlic, minced
1 banana or red pepper, seeded and chopped
1 tsp cumin or curry powder
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 1/2 (about 3 ears)fresh-cut corn kernels (Frozen corn works too.)
1 1/2 cups tomatoes, peeled and chopped
2 cups low fat or defatted chicken broth
1 1/2 cups coarsely shredded cooked chicken
2 Tbsp chopped fresh oregano
1/4 cup snipped fresh basil
2 cups corn chips
1 cup shredded Mexican cheese blend

In a 3 quart saucepan or stockpot, cook chopped onion, garlic, peppers, and cumin in hot oild about 5 minutes or till onion is transparent, stirring constantly. Don't let the garlic brown. Add corn kernels, tomatoes, chicken broth, and shredded cooked chicken. Bring mixture to boiling; reduce heat. Simmer, covered, for 10 minutes. Add oregano and basil.

To serve ladle soup and top with corn chips. Garnish each bowl of soup with shredded cheese, and fresh basil, if desired. Makes 6 main-dish servings. Serve with warm tortillas. NOTE: If leftover chicken is not available, use deli-roasted chicken.

Nutrition facts per serving: 274 cal, 13 g total fat (2g saturated), 29 mg chol., 504 mg sodium, 26 g carb, 4g fiber, 16g pro. Daily Values: 7% Vita A. 78% Vitamin C. and 14% Iron.

I'm Naked?

I've been thinking about my little breakthrough. The explanation to this freedom is simple. Adam and Even lived in a state of bliss where they walked with God. They were so aware of God that they didn't even know they were naked. They were naked the whole time, you know?

I remember when I was a sophomore in high school, I was teaching creation to some preschool kids. One little boy was really paying attention, I guess, and heard two of the main points. 1) They were in a garden and 2) they were naked. His response to the story: "Adam got splinters in his pee pee." (Chase Bishop, if you are out there, buddy, that was totally you!)

Anyway, it wasn't until Adam and Eve believed the lie that they "lacked" that they became more aware of self than God-conscious. All this stuff about "self help," "growing," "You can be better if..." Is just plain ol' crapola. You know, I realize that most people would see that as a dangerous comment. I can just hear them, "You go and tell people they are good enough where they are, and they'll get into sin and take advantage of the freedom. And for you to believe like that, you've got a lot of growing to do." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe they would be like me and be so grateful for the truth that sets them free that they start living life and don't realize they are doing anything.

Thursday, I was still on a high of freedom....just enjoying the rest, and this is what our day looked like. (The only reason I'm listing what I did is to give a little weight to those skeptics out there.) I woke up happy. I had no expectations on myself all day. I ate, but not too much. I didn't have food on my mind. I made sausage and biscuit for the boys, but I ate a bowl of FiberOne because I felt I needed it. I enjoyed it and didn't crave sausage and biscuit. I enjoyed myself all day. I played with my boys A LOT! and I did so without thinking about what all needs to get done. I cleaned everything on my list for my house. It just sort of happened. I didn't really mean to. I taught my boys how to help me without getting frustrated at their preschool efforts and tantrums. Whatever I had, spilled over to them. Luke took initiative and picked up all the toys that were downstairs and took them upstairs without me telling me. I gave him some candy for taking initiative with a good attitude, and he shared it with his brother. Wha?!?! I took three little boys to town to run some errands at several stores. We had a whole lot of fun at the children's museum. Then I took them grocery shopping. I got home and I made supper for us. We had baked BBQ chicken with baked beans, mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese. I didn't over eat. My portions were just right and I didn't crave more food. I prepped a few suppers for us for the rest of the week, and I made a whole week's worth of supper for a family who needs it. I was planning on straightening the house again, but my lovely husband wanted me to spend time with him. I submitted. We watched "Count of Monte cristo." (I so love that movie.) I enjoyed myself. I didn't feel stressed that there was still a little mess in the kitchen. I didn't put pressure on myself or anybody else. I enjoyed myself where I was without thinking that I can only have fun if I get certain things done. (Those days are over hopefully.) It was a really nice day. Ben woke up about four times before morning. I wasn't aggravated. I genuinely felt love for that little bumpkin all night and it was easy to get up each time to attend to his needs.

I actually had to really sit and think about what I did because all I remembered really is that it was a great day. THAT is what resting in grace and basking in his love will do. I promise you that if I had tried to squeeze all that in one day before this breakthrough, I couldn't have and I would have felt exhausted and frustrated. This is the place to be. Nothing has changed except my perception.

There is a diet out there I've heard of called, "Back to the Garden." I think it has something to do with eating whole foods like Adam and Eve would have. I've never read anything on it, I've just heard people talk about it before. Well, now I'm on a new plan I can call, "Back to the Garden." It is that I stay God-focused. Does that really mean that I've arrived. Well, of course not. Anyone who thinks they know stuff doesn't know anything. That's Bible. It's not humbling either to tell yourself and others of where you need to grow. It's prideful because it causes us to focus on us. Being able to pinpoint where you or others need to grow is nothing short of judgment. Folks who do that are being the serpent to yourself or others calling attention to the lack. Adam and Eve believed the lie that was mixed in with some truth, "If you eat of this fruit you will be like God." Um...the truth was they were already like God. He created them in his image. The life on the inside of them came from the very breath of God Almighty. They already had his perspective. They just lost focused and decided to fix something that didn't need fixing. (Sounds familiar to me!) They ate the fruit to become like God when they already were. They fell for it. Once they took "being" out of the place God had them and into their own actions, their eyes were opened to every area that they lacked. "OMG I'm naked!"

I can just hear Father say, "Who told you you were fat?" I want to be so God-conscious and in a state of rest that I don't see where I need to DO something to become...I want to rest right where I am. And be stunned like I had no idea...."I'm fat? Gosh I had no idea!" A dear friend of mine told me that she was thirty years old and always a great weight when an aunt of hers said something to her about that she looked fat or something. She said it wasn't until that moment that she ever thought about her weight. Then she tried to do something to "fix" it. She dieted and consequently gained weight. Although I think she looks fabulous, she is frustrated and struggles with her weight. She remembers a time before someone called attention to it when she was at a healthy weight. Who told you you were fat, my friend? How and why did you ever come to a place where you believed you were less than you are and now you need to do something to get better. Just rest. Be God-conscious again. Keep your mind renewed to HIS perspective.

Nutritional Nugget: Butternut Squash

I have a butternut squash sitting on my microwave just waiting for me to do something with it. These little dandies are not something I commonly have around the house, but I think I might start. Here are some facts about butternut squash:
They are a kind of winter squash and have a similar sweet, nutty flavor as pumpkin. In some countries, they are known as butternut pumpkin. The more ripe, the deeper the orange it becomes and the sweeter and richer the taste becomes. After cooking, this vegetable is easy to puree up and throw into dishes like mac and cheese or mix 1/2 cup puree with 1/2 shredded cheese and use as the filling for a grilled cheese sandwich.

Butternut squash is rich in fiber and phytochemicals and low in calories. It has even more vitamin A than a pumpkin! WHA?!?! Even the seeds are good for us as a good source of fiber and monounsaturated fatty acids. Go Butternut Squash!

I found the following Roasted Butternut Squash recipe on foodnetwork.com, and I think this is what I will do with my squash:

Ingredients

* 2 medium butternut squash, halved lengthwise and seeded
* 4 teaspoons butter
* 4 teaspoons brown sugar
* Salt and pepper

Directions

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Place butternut squash halves on a large baking sheet flesh side up. Place 1 teaspoon butter in the middle of each squash. Sprinkle brown sugar over each squash. Season with salt and black pepper. Roast 25 minutes, until flesh is fork-tender. Reserve 2 halves for future meal.

Breakthrough...A real Breakthrough!!!

It's amazing what identifying my place in the journey did for me. I'm still so touched that I hope I can get this out. This is such a simple little story, but I'm totally changed. I've been meditating on it for three days now, and I'm telling you that I am changed. It's like I've got a new, brighter light illuminating my path except I'm so looking at the light, that I don't know I'm walking down the path.

I started a new job Wednesday. I knew that the first morning on my job would be hectic because the drive is over an hour, and I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be late. So I picked up a quick breakfast for the boys. The all-nutritious donuts. (Yep. On my way to consult as a dietitian and I gave my boys a box of donuts before I left.) Well, I got me a donut too, and I put it in the passenger seat. There was a hint of, "I shouldn't be doing this," but I let that thought go as quickly as it came. As I drank my coffee, I had a nice little morning ponder on that scenic drive. My thoughts went something like this:

I reflected a minute about my eating habits the past couple days. Yeah, yeah I'm not putting myself under law any more. That is to say, no more diets for me to break and pull me back down. But oh my goodness, I was just not even sure what I have eaten that last two days. I was sure it wasn't exactly promoting my weight loss. Nevertheless, I know this new revelation of truly living in rest and contentment is truth, and I will rest in that truth fat or skinny. Even if it never "WORKS" for me, it is still truth. The thought crossed my mind too that if I'm not "trying" then what in the world am I going to blog about? (ha ha ha!) Oh well. I'm not "doing" any more. Freedom and rest is what it's all about. I'm not going back there. I will only work to stay in rest. (Labor into rest.) To me that means that when those negative thoughts or old thoughts come back to distract me, I will tell them where to go and how to get there. I will not allow them to influence me. Only God's thoughts toward me are allowed to influence me. I did sort of ask Father to give me something to blog about, but I wasn't really dwelling on it. I'm serious that I'm giving up all expectations of myself. If that means that my life begins to closely resemble a knot on a log, then so be it.

Well, I wasn't trying to be spiritual or anything. I mean I was just jamming to Dave Matthews, but my goodness I became very aware of Father's presence. (I know he's a big fan of Dave too. Ha Ha Ha. Seriously!) I began to feel his love wrapping around me and had this knowing about how he loves me. He began to show me the plans he has for Wayne and me, and I was absorbed in the honor and excitement it is to be able to do those things. I began to imagine what our life will be like and notice all that he is doing with us now that is leading to that. I was so excited and full of life. Nothing else mattered, you know? All this stuff just sort of came to me. I wasn't trying to have a "devotional" or whatever. I had not designated this morning commute as Faith-Build Up Exercises or Forced Fatherly Fun or anything. I was just enjoying the morning drive. Time flew by. Before I knew it, I was thirty miles down the road. I looked over and saw that donut, and I just begin to tear up and get emotional. This is really hard to describe, because it seems so silly to me. I didn't even want it. I realized in that moment that I had done nothing. Nothing. There was no prep work for me to be open to the Spirit or anything. It just came. This was the biggest breakthrough ever and it came effortlessly. In the past, even if I didn't eat the donut, I would be aware of its presence, you know what I mean? It was like I had food on my brain all the time. Being a dietitian only makes it worse because now I get paid to think about food. But I fully experienced what I know in my heart to be true. Basking in HIS presence, allowing HIM to love me the way he created me to be loved, and thinking only on those things from his point of view made me more God-conscious than food-conscious. Until that moment of true freedom, I didn't really realize how in bondage I was to food and to flab. I was set free. I am set free. I have been and all that, but now I really know it. I experienced it. All I could think of the rest of the way was how truly good he really, really is. "Gooder" than I even thought. I had to almost snap out of it before I got to work because I was so emotional I didn't want to have my mascara run before my first day on the job.

Well, this is the rest of the story. I went to work, and I did a good job. My love tank was overflowing, and they picked up on it. Immediate favor with my new coworkers. They even told me that they feel like they've known me forever, and I'm a part of them. WOW! How does that happen? They fed me a really great lunch. I remember it being yummy. I'm not sure why I stopped eating. All I know is that I threw my plate away with food left all over it. Um....even if I had done that in the past, I would have been thinking about the food that was left to eat. I never even thought about eating the rest of the day until my belly growled. Then I was like, "I'm hungry?" And then I would eat. I'm telling you. EFFORTLESS. And this freedom taste so good. I'm getting emotional even right now. It's funny how we don't know how in bondage we are until we step into freedom. The important thing is that I didn't work this up, it just came. All I had to do is get out of the way and let it come. I think me wanting something so badly....weight loss....almost controlled the solution from coming. I've heard of that before. I think it was Bertie who said he has known lots of ladies who want a child so much but are unable to have one. They finally adopt and get what they want. They quit "trying" then all of the sudden they are pregnant. I've known that to happen before too....but why? Because they finally find themselves content, happy, and in a place of rest. Out of that place, God can literally birth something (somebody) new.

I'm thankful. So very, very thankful. Now that I've tasted this freedom, I know I can't ever go back. I think what it will take for me to keep from falling back is that when those distracting thoughts creep up, I just renew my mind to the higher ground....Just rest. I also think it is awesome that in this freedom experience I also now have a renewed passion of things I can write about. It's like an extra little goody answer to prayer. He's an all your cake, with two scoops of ice cream, and eat it too kind of Daddy!

Nutritional Nugget:
My lunch at my new job was very yummy. We had turnip greens. That is something I remember calling "Pa's mud" when I was little. I don't know why except I knew they were gross. Over the years, I developed a big liking to them that I probably can credit to taste-bud desensitization. During lunch, I still had in the back of my mind that turnip greens were clearly the most nutritious thing on my plate. I did eat all of them. Greens are actually very nutritious. Here's the low down on dark green and leafies.

Dark green leafy vegetables are good sources of many vitamins that inclued vitamins A, C, and K and folate and minerals such as iron and calcium. They are also great sources of fiber. The darker the green, the more nutritious it is. A lactation consultant even told me once that she was consulted because a patient's breastmilk was green. The new mom, doctor, and nurses were a little freaked out and thought something must be wrong with her milk. The lactation consultant knew right away to ask what she had for lunch which was a big bowl of turnip greens. The green goodness crept into the milk for the baby.

Research suggests that the nutrients found in dark green vegetables may prevent certain types of cancers and promote heart health. Green and leafies are likely the most nutritious of any food calorie for calorie. I know that any time there was a question on a nutrition exam that said, "Which of the following is highest in ____." The answer was always the green vegetable.

Perhaps the star nutrient for green and leafies is Vitamin K. Vitamin K is a fantastic little vitamin and seems to be popping up with new great traits for it. Vitamin K is known for regulating blood clotting. In fact, it is so good that if someone who gets a little too much blood thinner or someone on blood thinner cuts themselves and can't stop bleeding, the Doc will give them a shot of Vitamin K in the E.R. We actually have to teach people to eat a consistent diet of vitamin K when they are on blood thinners so they don't undo the effects of the medication. Vitamin K is also helps protect bones from osteoporosis. May help prevent and possibly even reduce atherosclerosis by reducing calcium in arterial plaques. May be a key regulator of inflammation, and may help protect us from inflammatory diseases including arthitis. And I've even read that it may help prevent diabetes. Even if vitamin K doesn't prevent diabetes, I know that green and leafies are a great food for diabetics, and anyone for that matter, because of the nutrient dense, low calorie, high fiber. They are also low on the glycemic index for those peeps concerned with that.

Don't feel guilty for adding a little fatty flavor to the greens. Many of the nutrients in green and leafies are absorbed better with fat. So toss that salad with a good dressing or saute the spinach in a little olive oil. Yummy up those turnip greens! It is recommended that we get about 3 cups of dark green vegetables per week, or about ½ a cup every day. That's not too hard to do.

The "Rest" Of The Story

So much for Human Wisdom! Where does that ever get anyone? I'm breaking the cycle, and I think I have just the exit strategy. No more condemnation. When I start to feel bad about myself or notice how fat I still am or getting on myself for allowing myself to get into this despicable state, ---I will remember.

When I think I have to prove something because I'm a dietitian AND a child of the King and weight loss is fruit that says, "I'm right." ---I will remember.

When I place food above anything, ---I will remember.

In reality, I only think I'm being judged because I'm judging myself. And if anyone is actually judging me, then I will consider it a reflection of my judgement for myself. I can only recognize judgment from others when I judge myself anyway.

AND the truth is that I have made huge leaps and bounds on this journey fairly effortlessly. I mean there have been a few bumps in the trail, but there has been change in my heart....the change that truly matters. The past little bit I've allowed myself to be distracted with the slow results. I feel I'm not good enough, because I measured me by what things appear to be instead of what God's Truth is about me.

The state that I am in and my weight may be factual, but it is not the truth. I'm going to "remember" from now on. No more playing games. If I never write another thing about nutrition, then so be it. This is not a bunch of rules to be broken. Yes, there are very practical things that I can do and not do to promote this weight loss thing. I do need to eat less. I've got the eating-to-maintain thing down. I have come that far, but to lose weight properly, I have to eat under what I really need. I was trying to force myself to do that with a diet. I KNOW that doesn't work! Why did I stop by here again? At least it was just a few days. What I will remember is who I am.

I desire weight loss more than anything. I have a problem. I'm fat. But me dwelling on that means I am not content with myself. I see exactly where I want to change. You know what the truth is? That discontentment with myself means that even if I reach the end of the journey, I will likely gain weight again or at best just never really feel happy with myself. No amount of weight can fill up that void of discontentment. There is only one cure and it is not a method or magic formula.

All I need to do is to rest and enjoy the scenery.

Does that mean that I eat a box of donuts for a midnight snack every night? Um...of course not. There is still practical wisdom. And even if I were to want to eat a box of Little Debbie's in one sitting(like that hilarious patient said,) God is so good that he even gives us grace to get grace. When I take the reigns because I'm "Not Satisfied" and discontent, I feel I must DO something about this which means I jump out of grace and rest and into works. I allowed myself to be tempted when I began to feel discontentment with myself. I fell for it when I tried to speed things up with a diet.

Today, I heard a message from the magnificent Bertie Britt. He said nothing about nutritional density or portion control, but what he did say was life changing. He was talking about Jesus in the wilderness after fasting for 40 days and nights. He believes Jesus was hungry since day one, but what he became hungry for on day forty was affirmation that he was in the right place and he was who he was told he was---the son of God. Could he feel "right" even in the dessert where there were no miracles taking place or any voices reassuring him? He became hungry for some tangible proof and THEN Satan was able to come and tempt him. Satan said, "If you are the son of God, turn these stones into bread"....etc. "DO" something to try to fill that void of hunger for affirmation. I learned a long time ago that if you have to do something to PROVE it, then you aren't really what you thought anyway. I mean you never really believed what you thought you believe anyway.

So here I am on my journey. In the weight loss wilderness. Discontented with myself. Not satisfied that slow weight loss is enough. Hungry for proof that my thoughts about this journey are the right thoughts and wanting to prove it to the world for validation.....Isn't that totally DISGUSTING? Perfect storm for me to forget everything I know and fall into temptation. I totally bit the apple. I put a law on myself to break free from the flub. -----a diet. Don't ever. Don't never,never, ever. "Do" only if it is birthed from the inside. You will know because it is effortless change. His burden is easy and light. His reality is already in there. I just forgot for a little while. I don't need skinny me to appear for me to be happy. I don't need to cut my jean size in half to feel blessed. I am blessed because of whose I am. And that's enough. That is totally enough. Everything else is just an extra little goody, but not my source. I must remember in order to continue this journey even if it is just one baby step at a time. (Slow and steady wins the race.)

To quote the last words of probably my all time favorite children's book, "I Wish I Had Duck Feet,"

"And so I think there are some things I do not wish to be,
and that is why I think that I just wish to be like me."

I will continue to make good choices, but out of who I am and not because I am putting myself under some law. I will not think and certainly not say negative things about my weight. I will speak only the truth about me, and truth is what Jesus says about me. I will feast on the BREAD (Jesus) daily and rest in the knowledge of his love for me. Then one day, I'll wake up and wonder where I lost the weight along the way. That will be a neat day.

Nutritional Nugget
How about mashed sweet potatoes?

Bake the whole sweet potato to preserve nutrients. Scrape out the potatoe from the skin and mash. Add whatever you like: Molasses or maple syrup. Just a little milk and butter. Salt, Pepper, Maybe cinnamon. Maybe top with pecans or even marshmallows. As the spirit leads, my friends. (I think I'll have these soon.)

Reflection

This week, I analyzed. Reflected. Pondered. I took a good long hard look at the flaws in the mirror. I got honest with myself. Where am I on this journey? I'll tell me where! I started this blog/weight loss journey four months ago. Before then, I had been on a steady incline of gaining weight that I did not want. The reason? I ate too much. But I ate too much because I allowed a drama train to run me over and I counseled with food with the calorie clock ticking. I'm ashamed to say before I rode the dip on the emotional roller coaster, I had been burning some baby weight, but after WHOA!!!! I gained about 28 pounds or so in six months before I decided enough is enough. This little bloggy has helped me. It stopped me dead in my tracks of gaining and I've lost.....but not nearly enough. Now I have a fan base (so I people tell me,) and I've got eyes looking at me. I've had a few bumps in the rode, But where are the results? From nowhere I have realized that the change in my heart is not good enough. I've got to show that this is working. Prove it, even. I'm out of touch with Skinny Me. I'm ready for fat me to starve to death (not literally...just make her think she is! Wha ha ha ha.) I adopted a few "points of wisdom" to help meet me where I am. I knew I was not seeing myself right-mindedly. But enough was enough. I decided some things...I don't really love to brush my teeth, but I love not to get cavities. I don't like washing the dishes, but I love having a clean kitchen. I don't like putting my boys to bed, but I love the quiet down time that follows and having rested boys the next day. Do you see what I'm saying? There are lots of things in this world that I don't particularly like, but I never really sit around and struggle with all those tasks in my mind because I love the consequences of those actions more. I decided that I don't really like to diet, but do I value feeling good, losing weight, fitting nicely into my clothes above food? ...I do think this is a good question for me to continually ask myself. Am I really putting food above things I consider more valuable like being happy with myself when I look in the mirror. So I decided to really do a weight loss diet. (Can you believe it? I fell for it!)

I was really out to prove to myself and to the world that I was "RIGHT, Dang it!" I was going to prove that I must be right as evidenced by all my weight loss that just seems to drop off with ease. I was diligent to write down everything I was eating. It worked ok the first day, but then I slowly started realizing I was trying to deceive myself. I would have a subconscious thought like, "That mini Almond Joy is not worth writing down. Don't even count it. Your blog readers might think you are so weird." Ka-Razy. I started on Monday. I ate a bunch of yummy, but not-so nutritionally dense food, but really watched my portions. I felt a little hungry. On Tuesday...the same thing. On Wednesday I had to eat a little bit more to spare me from eating my hand. (This way has not been easy and light.) Things were getting pretty hectic in the ol' bod so I planned for Thursday. I went to the store and got some perfect foods for me to eat that would be nutritionally sound and keep me from feeling hunger. I was going out with the girls that night and knew I would eat a little more than I had been. I saved up my calories to spend at the Olive Garden. But Thursday came, and so did the unleashing of the beast. I ate every bit of whatever stuffed pasta that was, and then I got a 20oz sissy coffee. WHA?!?!?! I haven't eaten like that in a while. I embarrassed myself, but all I could think of to say was, "BACK OFF! I'M STARVING!" Well, then I felt like a total failure with the attitude, "If I can't do it, then I might as well give up and give in." ...How many times I have been here in my life? Surely this is some sort of cycle like a loop along the trail. I can never get to where I want to go if I keep passing this mile marker over and over and over.... I think the cycle would be:

1) Gain weight.
2) Feeling bad about weight. (Seeing the flaws)
3) Behavior modification/forcing myself/laws/diet.
4) Failure at the diet.
5) Condemnation/Bad attitude.
6) Give up and give in.
1) Gain weight.

Well, really since my blog, I haven't gained weight. But the loss has been excruciatingly slow. How do I break this cycle?

Friday, I actually did ok, But that day I worked 18 hours. I didn't make it home until 3:00am. My brain was fried and I ate two pieces of veggie pizza even though really I just needed sleep.


Thinking about all this makes me want to force behavior modification again when obviously it doesn't work...In fact, it is counter productive.

Today is Saturday. I haven't been perfect, but I've been decent. I haven't felt like I was hungry, but it hasn't been that bad. Today, freedom came to visit.


....To Be Continued. (And the rest of the story is best.)

Nutritional Nugget:
I saw this recipe on the internet. I think I'd like to try it. Sweet potato and apple soup. There were no measurements. Ha! Another guy out there who cooks as the Spirit leads.
Add: a little water, leeks or onions, chunked sweet potatoes, apple slices, and fill up with chicken stock.

Never know till we taste it!

Lobster Tales

I was cleaning out my recipes the other day when I ran across a note to myself from 2005 on my lobster recipe that said, "The lobster is done when the leg or antennae pops off easily." What in the world?!?!?! Am I a sick weirdo or what?!?! 2005 would be about right because I wouldn't have made Lobster since we had kids and the first born came in 2006. I don't consider myself a gourmet chef, although I still love what I heard my adviser, professor, mentor, friend, Dr. Cunningham say at a Tennessee Dietetic Association meeting once, "Gourmet is a feeling." There are a few out-of-the-box dishes I can make, lobster being one of them. With Halloween in the air, posting about lobsters seems even more fitting because THEY ARE SO SCARY AND DISGUSTING! Here are a few lobster tips:

1) Make sure you buy lobster from a reputable seafood supplier. (I get mine from the seafood supplier at Kroger.) You want to make sure the handler knows his/her stuff because the illness-causing boo boos in seafood can sometimes not be cooked out. The safety is in the handling.
2) Put the lobster in cold a pot of water and then turn up the heat. This way the lobster goes to sleep and it is not so tortuous for it. It is a little freaky to hear it scratching around in the pot. Ahhhhhh!
3) Make sure you cook it until it is done...like I said, the antennae or leg will pop off easily.
4) Serve it with clarified butter. (Just get real butter and melt it.)

Ok, so here is my big tale. I'm not sure if I have all my lobster terminology correct, but I'm still higher up on the food chain. My Dietary Manager, Donna, and I decided to cook Lobster for the board meeting at the hospital. I was already skiddish after driving 20 miles with thirteen lobsters scratching around the box in my back seat. It was time to cook them. Most everyone had already gone home for the day. Donna held the live lobster with tongs so they faced me while I was supposed to clip off the rubber bands from their claws. Now I'm sure we could have and probably should have left the rubber bands on their claws, but I was afraid the rubber band would affect the flavor of the lobster. I insisted we cut them free before boiling. She would hold those things up, and I panicked every time those little beady eyes would stare at me.

It was like they were just waiting to get free so they could snap my finger off. (At least I WAS working about 30 paces from the ER.) Every time I clipped one of the twenty-six claws, I would scream. Like a real live, loud, something-is-going-to-get-me scream. It was quite an ordeal. Donna was completely stressed out holding those things with nothing but tongs, and I was not making it easy on her. She had the hard job. The kitchen was quite a ways from the nursing station, but later I found out that the nurses could hear me screaming all the way down the hall. To this day I wish we could have video taped us cooking lobster. I'm sure we could have won a funniest video contest. I still laugh about that.

Nutritional Nugget:
More sweet potatoes please?

Sweet Potato Fries From the Food Network
Ingredients

* 1 1/2 pounds sweet potatoes, peeled (2 medium potatoes)
* 1 tablespoon canola oil
* 1/2 teaspoon salt, plus more, to taste
* Cooking spray

Directions

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F.

Cut the potatoes lengthwise into 1/4-inch thick matchsticks, and toss with the oil and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray. Arrange the potatoes in a single layer on the baking sheet and bake until the "fries" are tender and crisp, about 30 minutes.

Season with additional salt, to taste. Serve immediately.

Hotdog Jack

Today is my Jack's 4th birthday. He is the most unique child I've ever met. One of my most favorite things about Jack is his love for food. It is not just a physical love, it is a passion. The quickest way to Jack's heart is definitely through the taste buds. Kid LOVES to eat. He loves to help cook. He wears his apron more than I wear mine. He plays El Tap. He makes birthday "dinners" complete with cakes in his toy kitchen. He has a "Hotdog store" where he pretends it is a grocery store/deli. His pirate name is "Hotdog Jack." His ninja name is "Chef Fighter" with two wooden spoons as his weapons. He informed me of a limited list of places he will visit. They included: Nana'house, Moowee's house, Kendall's house, El Tap, Burger King, and Old McDonald's. Kendall's house is chosen because it is so fun. Every other place is because of what he eats or cooks there. He will taste anything and is hands down the most versatile eater in the house. He doesn't just eat, he dines. This is a child who might dance in his chair after taking a bite of something delish. He began asking for this year's birthday cake before Christmas last year. Throughout the year, he added more and more cakes. It started with a Sally Cake and then a Football cake. A few weeks ago after hearing him discuss all his cakes he wanted, I said, "Jack, I just don't think we could have six cakes for your birthday." He said, "I don't want six cakes. I want seven." We had a family party. His Aunt Boo made him a Sally cake and a football cake. Then we had a candy bar (like a salad bar of candy) and two kinds of cupcakes for the guests to decorate. He loved it.

Jack has this funny little personality that makes him act incredibly awkward in the presence of others, but he morphs into a totally different child in the grocery store. This quiet and shy guy suddenly starts making up songs about the foods he wants to purchase. Everyone who passes laughs at his enthusiasm in produce section or bakery. I usually end up spending more when I take Jack to the grocery store. When I bring home groceries, Jack is the one who unloads them. It is as exciting as Christmas morning. (I am not exaggerating. I have it on film.) Each item, no matter what, is treasured and he usually takes the more exceptional pieces and shows them to his dad and brothers. It is awesome. Uncle Ben got Jack a thermal lunch sack and had "Hotdog Jack" embroidered on it. It was filled with Nathan's Famous Hotdogs. Jack loved it. In honor of Jack, we dined today.

For his breakfast, I made oatmeal pancakes with whipped cream and a gum drop on top, and of course a candle.
Nathan's Famous Hotdog for Lunch.
El Tap for supper.

I looked through Jack's birthday party pictures today. I hate to have my picture taken, but someone caught me in a picture when I was helping him with the cakes. YUCK-O-RAMA. The good thing about this image is that it did not throw me into the pit of despair, rather it became an encouragement for me to want to eat less, watch those portions, and exercise today.

Nutritional Nugget: More sweety potatoes

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. One of my all time favorite pies is sweet potato pie. I always start thinking about it this time of year. I thought I had Granny's recipe. It was yummy and I remember making it with her. I couldn't find it anywhere so I called Granny who said she couldn't remember how to make it because she didn't much care for it anyway. Ha Ha Ha! I looked in every church cookbook I had and no sweet potato pie recipe. What's wrong with these good southern church ladies? So alas, I had to pull one from the ever faithful internet. If you are going to eat pie, you might as well eat one loaded with vitamin A.

This recipe is from Paula Dean---A truly good southern lady.(We never had a meringue on our sweet potato pie. That seems weird to me.)

Old Fashioned Sweet Potato Pie

3 egg whites
1 9-inch unbaked pie crust
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1 cup milk
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract or 1-2 tablespoons bourbon
1/2 stick melted butter
1 1/4 cups sugar
2 cups peeled, cooked sweet potatoes
Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

For the filling, using an electric hand mixer, combine the potatoes, 1 cup of the sugar, the butter, eggs, vanilla, salt, and spices. Mix thoroughly. Add the milk and continue to mix. Pour the filling into the pie crust and bake for 35-45 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean. Place the pie on a rack and cool to room temperature before covering with meringue.

For the meringue, using an electric mixer, beat the egg whites until soft peaks form; beat in the remaining 1/4 cup sugar 1 tablespoon at a time. Continue beating until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is glossy and stiff, but not dry. With a rubber spatula, spoon the meringue onto the pie, forming peaks. Make sure the meringue touches the crust all around. Sprinkle with a pinch of granulated sugar. Bake for 10-12 minutes, or until delicately browned. Cool and serve.

I Wish I had a Little More

I know I've posted MyPlate before, but I wanted to talk about it again. I had the best time last week getting to teach nutrition to several groups of health care employees. MyPlate is one of the things I spoke about. I have to admit, when they came out with this one, I kind of rolled my eyes. Another visual aid to promote. Please give us a break! But actually the more I pondered on this, the more I like it. It is not to replace the MyPyramid, but this one is to help us know how to build our plates with the emphasis on portion control. Of course we want to choose the better foods for us in terms of nutrient-density. The plate isn't a huge platter either. Think of it the size of a regular paper plate or salad plate. Divide the plate in half. Once the portions are served, there is still room on the plate. You don't have to eat each food group each meal, obviously. That would be unpractical. Choose the appropriate portion sizes. Don't go back for seconds. Plan for snacks. Here is what MyPlate my look like on a daily basis....

As a nation we just plain ol' overeat especially here in the south. Last time I checked, USA is the second fattest nation in the world, and Tennessee is the second fattest state in the union next to Mississippi. (If I recall, the fattest nation is a little island in the Pacific with a diet rich in coconut, and where obesity is considered highly attractive.) After I gave my speech for the umpteenth time at work, I had to admit to myself...I also overeat. I usually overeat just because I like to eat especially because I like the taste of the food. I purchase, choose, and eat really healthful, good foods, but even the most nutritious still contain calories. It is time to change my way of thinking (again). A friend at church told me once that his dad used to say, "It's better leave the table wishing you had a little more, than to wish you hadn't eaten so much." Yep. That sounds about right to me.

FLOG
Well today sounds terrible....
I ate chiggers (two slices of french toast with just a hint of syrup.)
1 cup skim milk
I had to try Nathan's Famous hotdog (Thanks to Uncle Ben's birthday gift to Hotdog Jack.)
Glass of fruit tea. (I just love it so much....but I'm quickly learning that I hate the effect of the sugar rush.)
And then I ate at a women's meeting....um yeah...enough said.
Well, although it sounds terrible, It was actually a descent win for me today. I did not overeat. I stopped when I got full with the exception of the white chocolate chip cookie at church. I was full so I refused, but then I gave in, and yes it was worthy.

Nutritional Nugget: Sweet Potatoes.

Sweet potatoes are different from yams. Sweet potatoes are more beige on the outside, yellow on the inside, more firm, and more nutritious than yams. Sweet potatoes are rich in complex carbs, dietary fiber, beta carotene, vitamin C and B6. Considering the nutrition also including protein, iron, and calcium, Sweet potatoes ranked considerably higher than any other vegetable. I always tell people if you have only one food to live off of, choose sweet potatoes.

I love sweet potatoes. You can use them in all sorts of dishes. I love to have baked sweet potatoes as a side dish. I've said before that I love to eat them in pancakes. In the past I would just throw some sweet potato puree in my pancake recipe. It is really very yummy, and my favorite kind of pancake. The last time I made them, I decided to actually have the sweet potato as the base. Yum Yum in my Tum Tum. I still need to experiment because they were way too floppy and fragile. Even still they were oh so good. I think sometime I will add less liquid and serve as a savory side dish with a meal. There are lots of recipes online, but for whatever reason, I think I can't go by one. This is the recipe I should have followed, but altered too much. It was still very yum yum. I know the following original recipe would really be good. Why do I reinvent the wheel?

Sweet Potato Pancakes

16 ounces orange-flesh sweet potato (about 2 medium sweet potatoes)
3/4 cup whole-wheat flour
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 cup butter
2 large eggs, beaten
2 tablespoons molasses
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups milk

(Some of the above content came from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweet_potato)

Needing A Reboot In The Rear

I've done it again. I allowed myself to focus on the "problem" therefore strengthening it. It is time for me to be right-minded which is to think of me the way the one who created me thinks of me. I've been swallowed by Fat Me. It is time to squeeze out of this fleshly-minded cage and once again be birthed into who I really, really am. I've not posted in some days for a reason. Yes, I have been busy. But the real truth is, I've allowed myself to spiral into the self-accusation, condemnation, guilty as charged, shameful vortex. This way of thinking not only makes me want to hide and never show myself in public again, but it makes me want to eat. It doesn't make me want to eat spinach smoothies either. I've not gained weight, but I've rehashed some pretty nasty habits that might lead to weight gain. I'm once again embarrassed to be seen. In reality, this way of thinking only exists in my mind. It is a real problem because I make it real. It is time for me to humble myself, be kind and forgiving to myself, quit putting pressure on myself to DO, and stop seeing myself through the eyes of Fat Me. It's time for me to rest in truth. I am not my weight. I am content where I am right now. I can rest and allow change to come to me effortlessly. Every once in a while, I just think I need a reboot in the rear to kick me into the right way of thinking.

No FLOG.

Nutritional Nugget: Pumpkins!

I made some brownies for a health fair-type thing. I pushed the nutritional limit on these things just to see how far I could go. I've made chocolate cake with pumpkin before and they were really yummy, but this time I added a whole 26 oz can of pumpkin to a dark chocolate cake mix. They were so heavy and moist, it was more of a brownie texture. I loved them. The thing to remember is THEY ARE STILL BROWNIES! Just because they are loaded with all that good beta carotene doesn't mean we can eat the whole pan. I also learned from my friend (and relative) Drucilla, that she makes the chocolate cake without any eggs and oil. I choose her recipe!

Pumpkin Chocolate Cake

1 chocolate cake mix
1 cup pumpkin puree
1/4 cup water.

That's it!

Pumpkin is super nutritious. Not only are they low in calories and high in fiber, but they contain loads of beta carotene which is a precursor for vitamin A. The beta carotene acts as an antioxidant which protects us from free radicals and may prevent cancer. It is also said to have immune-boosting and anti-aging qualities.

Something I also learned this week is how easy it is to cook a pumpkin. I always just bought the pumpkin in a can to have on hand. Now I understand that you can take a whole pumpkin, wash the outside, stab it a few times with a knife for ventilation, and put the whole thing on a baking sheet in the oven. Apparently, the seeds are easier to take out once it is roasted and the sides just scrape out easily. You will know the pumpkin is done when a fork or knife can be inserted easily. A big pumpkin will go a long way. I plan to freeze pumpkin in one cup servings in freezer bags.