I almost deleted this blog.

I almost deleted this blog.   I felt like jumping off the proverbial cliff  and taking this blog down with me.  I've been overcome with negative thoughts and emotions regarding the lack of progress on this journey.  Sure, I'm inching along, but at the pace of a snail on comfort measures.   It feels like I've been drinking a glass that is half empty for about a month now.  There have been some moments of right-thinking, but lately they are overpowered by a negative perspective.  I miss the ease of resting in who I am and choosing healthful foods in freedom.  I miss the days when health was something I WANT to do rather than something I MUST do.

Caged by condemnation. Shackled by shame.  Simply embarrassed.

 I know how I was enticed.  I got a new job where it is important for me to be a "good example."   I'm good at my job, but I don't really "look" like it.  I have these vain imaginations where I'm giving a lecture on nutrition to a group of doctors.  One of them raises his hand and asks in an accusing tone, "Then why are you fat?"  It's an awkward moment, but I calmly just reply, "Because I ate too much. ....and YOU'RE the doctor."

I've been exercising.
I eat breakfast.
I always choose water.
I quit eating late at night.
I almost always eat five fruits and vegetables each day.
I choose more whole foods and less processed as a habit.
I've lost 2lbs a week for the last two weeks.

Um....then what's the problem?  Because of how I FEEL about it.  It's not been as easy to make these choices.  I feel bad about myself, then I feel bad for feeling bad because I know better.  The cycle of death.  The cycle that leads to weight gain.

This sense that I lack something creates a sort of black hole within me.  My negative feelings make me want to fill the black hole with as much sugary drink and junk food as possible.  The problem with a black hole is that it is impossible to fill.  The inability to fill it just reminds me how empty it is, and the cycle continues.  (Insert depressing violin music here.). 

I've returned to bondage by making my behavior about something I must do to "become somebody" instead of accepting myself then feeding this body out of who I am.    There is a big difference for the same behavior .  It's not even about the behavior.  It's about which mindset gave birth to the behavior.  One weight loss plan is from fun and freedom.  The other will lead to the death of the journey.

I cannot finish my journey if I don't enjoy it.

As for now, I'll turn away from the cliff, pack up my blog, and we'll walk this thing out until I suddenly see the cup I carry is really half full.

I also think I will reread the wisdom of my skinny friend I wrote about about in the Post titled, "She Made It".     I've been there...  I know what is like to skip down the path enjoying every step of the journey.  Discouragement has no place here.  We'll find freedom again very soon.  Because I want it.