Distraction #1: The Fat Distraction

I have to say that probably my biggest hindrance on this journey is the journey itself. Being fat and over eating is a constant reminder that I "need improving." Being self-conscious is to see where I fall short. Did you know that Adam and Eve were so God-conscious that they didn't even know they were naked. I'm aware that I am fat, and I wear clothes to cover it up. Obviously I am not as God-conscious as they were. When I feel yucky because of something fattening I ate, I remember my weight. When I take in too much sodium and my body swells just a tad so that my ring and pants feel tight, I remember my weight. When I feel like my body might burst after a short jog, I remember my weight. I carry this thing around with me all the time, and my five senses are very aware of the extra poundage. It is like I am more aware of what I experience with my senses than I am aware of oneness with my God. I'm sure its always difficult to break free from any bondage, but it does seem like the food factor is literally smacking me in the face as a constant reminder that I have issues. ...That's not the truth, but is sure is a big distraction for me. I begin to identify with it, and that is when I fall. Fall from grace. Fall from freedom. The struggle is letting go of that false identity even though I can feel and see the flab. The hard part is resting and being content. Yes, I have a constant, very heavy distraction. Yes, I still need to eat. I mean, we can't quit food cold turkey. There are opportunities for condemnation at least three squares a day. The feeling that I need fixing is the lack trap. Even though I'm fat-conscious at times, my heart is being persuaded of the truth. My behavior at the table is not an indicator of who I am. I lack nothing and I don't need fixing. There is freedom in being God-conscious, but I still think I'll keep my clothes on.

FLOG
1/2 cup coconut milk
Handful of nuts
1/2 cup of strawberries
3 oz Salisbury steak on 1/2 cup noodles
1/2 cups Peas & Carrots
1 Roll
LOTS OF WATER
A big honkin' apple
Baked BBQ chicken
Baked Beans
Mashed potatoes
....Then I fell in the trap called "Deprivation." I ate about three girl scout cookies then a brownie and ice cream. The yuck reminds me. Now Father, you show me your side of the story.

Nutritional Nugget
Cinnamon is so very cool. Not only is it tasty, research has been shown that cinnamon helps regulate the ol' blood sugar. Very nifty indeed. A cook at one of my facilities recently added cinnamon to the patients' lasagna. (She is one of those "as the spirit leads" cooks.) I would have never tried that. It was just a hint. Couldn't really taste it, but it really exaggerated the different flavors in the lasagna. Yum in the Tum!

I'm Giving Up

I give up.

I'm giving up trying to take credit for the fruit that will only come effortlessly from intimacy with my creator. What I mean is, I never want to take credit for "good" behavior that is producing weight loss. I want weight loss to be the effect of what happens from having a relationship with my Father. Out of that intimacy and freedom, the weight loss will come effortlessly.

I'm giving up feeling "bad" about my physical being and behaviors that keep the weight on. No more guilt for me. I am happy right here, even if I never lost or gained another pound. Weight is not the issue for me any more. I desire freedom. Gosh, I was doing everything so backwards. Now I think I finally see.

I'm giving up control. It's actually stupid to think I can do anything. My job is to rest. The more I give up, the more God's reality manifests in my life. Translation: The more weight I lose without trying.

I'm giving up rebellion. I'm not going to "fight" the urge to take over and try doing stuff myself. Trying to force myself to produce fruit. Trying to MAKE myself lose weight. Rebellion just means that you still believe in that thing you are fighting. I'm giving up the imaginary.

When "I" started doing, fighting, and self-controlling, "I" landed right in the middle of prIde. And I fell. Pride comes before the fall and it did. Now that I've found myself stuck in the miry clay of comfort carbs and overeating, humility teaches me that it's time "I" give up.

Nutritional Nugget:
Wayne made a great healthful, quick meal tonight. Just a simple stir-fry, but something we forget about a lot.

Chicken breast cut into pieces and seasoned with spices. Sauteed in a bit of oil like olive or coconut. Then add in some cooked veggies. Serve over brown rice. Yummy, pretty, and low calorie. The boys love stir-fry.

"I" Took Over The Journey

Guess what comes before the fall?

Yep. p-r-IIIII-d-e.

For those of you who follow, could you hear it? I think I spilled it a couple of times. If I have learned anything, I have learned that what we speak (or write) comes straight from the heart. My heart was saying it, and I just basically chose not to listen with the right set of ears. I admitted having a little bit of fear of falling from freedom from food. I know, I know, I know that fear is an indicator of believing the wrong information, but I just chose to ignore it.

I fell.

The story....
Freedom I experienced was amazing. The freedom from food carried over into every area of my life. Everything felt effortless, easy, and light. "Free indeed" indeed. But then after about two weeks of this, I found myself over eating and munching on food that I didn't really want. The old was all coming back. BUT WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So I finally got fed up with myself a few days ago and asked Wayne why I turned back to eating like a fat person again. Sweet Wayne indicated that he didn't care about how much I weighed, what I ate, etc. But then I had to explain that it wasn't about the weight or the food at all. It's about the freedom that I experienced and enjoyed and desired. Why did it go? and how did I let it slip away? Then he said something simply profound,"You ARE free. Freedom never left you."

That's when it hit me. The broken pieces started to assemble and I began to see the image in my heart. I tasted the goodness of God and the freedom it brought for a good two weeks, but my heart wasn't really persuaded. I stepped into the freedom with a comment from a friend similar to Wayne's that I blogged about weeks ago. When I told her I was going to "starve the nature that was not me." She said, "or instead of trying to kill her you could just realize the truth that she doesn't exist." THAT is it, my friends. This is the truth that propels me into freedom, but my heart is not yet fully persuaded. I even exposed my true beliefs when I admitted my fear about falling from grace. So then I began an investigation of my heart. A simple little truth worked its way up to my thoughts. When "I fell," there had been a collection of circumstances that distracted me pretty harshly. It took several days for me to get over the pity that invited itself in. "I" became self-conscious instead of God conscious in the form of pity and depression. (prIde) I began to make things about me, and that same pride crept into my eating. It had nothing to do with food. It had everything to do with pride verses freedom. So for a while, I walked around like "I" could do it. Almost every single issue that I've recognized (and conquered) on this journey came leaping back in. The guilt. The condemnation. The eating for lack. The eating to nourish my old nature. Eating for comfort. Old habits. etc. etc. etc. But that's not who I am. I craved to taste the freedom again, and silly me "I" thought I could work it back up.

Dear Audrey,
Hello. Duh. And What in the world are you thinking? Apparently you are not. You didn't make yourself free the first time. You can't do ANYTHING good enough to get you back to freedom. Please quit "trying" to do anything. Please just know that there is grace for grace. Rest in knowing that you have everything you need and you are free. Please quit fighting against imagery things/issues/beliefs and see who you really are and where you really are seated. You are free and that's it.
Love, Real Audrey

Pride came before my fall. I fell hard. I took a tumble flat on my face. But my Bible also says that a righteous man will get back up. I know I'm righteous because of Jesus. I'm getting up. No...Actually, I'm up already. And even cooler....in God's eyes I never fell at all. He always sees me as righteous as Jesus. Now if I could only see me always from that perspective...free indeed.

Nutritional Nugget:
Even though weight and food are truly not the issue, I did weigh myself recently. The two weeks of freedom did produce some lovely fruit. I don't know if I gained any weight when I started eating crazy again or not, but I had still lost five pounds. I must say that was a nice little touch to know as I was getting over the bruises from my "fall." Even though five pounds doesn't seem like a lot, it was at least 2 1/2 pounds a week which is just about right. The slower the loss, the more permanent. It means more fat loss and less lean body breakdown. The weight loss goal should really be 0.5 to 2.5 pounds a week.

Stress eating is an old habit. It seems like the more stress, the bigger desire to eat comfort foods. Today the stars were definitely lining up to resurrect some of those old-nature desires. Work was stressful times three. To make matters worse, I didn't get much sleep last night which makes my body think I need to eat to get energy. AND I was disappointed I had to cancel my party due to the threat of snow. There was definitely a perfect storm of emotions brewing up to make me want to run for comfort yummies. I know my appetite was heightened. Even though I had a few peanut valentine M&Ms, I did not choose food to bring balance to my emotions. The best part is that even though I did "good"(....whatever that means,)it is the freedom from food that pleases me. The fact that I was able to separate eating from the circumstances of this day gives me even more confidence in resting. Rest Works! Still the biggest struggle is staying in rest and not trying to take over. As soon as I agree with my flesh that "I" can do it, I fall flat on my squishy rear end. Today I remembered who it is I really am, and I'm thankful it has nothing to do with me.

FLOG
6 saltines.
1 slice cheese.
Water.
Coffee---extra sissy.
1/2 cup sauerkraut.
1/2 cup turnip greens.
1 piece of cornbread.
1 cup of beans.
1/4 cup of diabetic cherry cobbler.
1 apple.
Unsweet tea.
A few Valentine peanut M&Ms.
Water Water Water
A big honkin' beautiful salad with some crispy chicken on top. And it is just what the doctor ordered.

Nutritional Nugget: Turmeric
I read once (sorry I can't remember the source but I'm pretty sure it was "Today's Dietitian" magazine like 8 years ago) that Turmeric is a functional food that helps decrease inflammation. If I remember correctly, the study was particularly beneficial for cancer patients undergoing radiation therapy.

Simple Words

I really like words. I like words on walls. I like words in songs. I like to read. My love language is words of affirmation. I like receiving words. I like giving words. I like THE Word in the flesh. Sometimes it's the simplest of words that have brought be through the most challenging mind-issues. I started realizing this when I was going through probably the most difficult time in my life a while back. I asked a dear friend who I know hears from the Lord for some advice. I was floored when she did NOT answer any of my questions or address any of my lengthy concerns. She simply told me to read Psalms 139. Um....I've read it okay? I seriously could have gotten offended, but thankfully I didn't because I trust her and the voice she hears. I read it again. About half way through I got so emotional that I almost couldn't contain it. She heard from the Lord! It wasn't the words as much as it was the realization of what the Lord was trying to say to me. For weeks I had struggled. During that time four songs were stuck in my head. The strange thing was that every time I would start to sing one, I would sing parts of all of them. I couldn't figure out why I had those songs stuck together in my mind. As I read Psalms 139, it dawned on me that the medley I couldn't help from singing was taken every bit within that Psalm. That's when I realized that through all the uncertainty and hurt from my surroundings, Father was trying to get me to hear one thing.....His love and value for me.

In the past, I might get a revelation that helps me on my weight loss journey, but after some time, It seems like I would fall from grace by trying to do it in my effort instead allowing that grace to flow through me. This week is different. I mean my goodness, I got a visual aid to help me see that I was identifying with the wrong chick. I actually saw myself standing between a loving father and an imaginary girl I created who has caused me nothing but trouble. I kept trying to literally feed her as if to keep her alive. I know that sounds strange, but it's just what I needed to see. I also had a twinge of fear that I would fall from grace again and attempt this journey in my own strength. I had that episode this week where I identified with her for that supper meal. It's still not up to me to "stay" here in the right way of thinking. He gives us grace for His grace. He has given me some simple words in the form of songs that have kept me in the right frame of mind. The mind is where our will is. It's where we make a decision to who we will feed....Real me (Him in me) or Imaginary me.
Part of my song....

"I will allow you to love me. Love me like you created me to be. I will allow you to love me. Only this is my reality. I will rest in your love. There is rest in your love. I will rest in your love. There is rest in your love."

I just can't get that out of my mind, and I'm thankful. Lack and Fear don't even want to come around when I'm resting in love. That's Bible. It makes it effortless to forget about that old Igene. ...Who?

The other song that pops in for a visit from time to time is the oldie but a goody....

"I can see clearly now the rain has gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's going to be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day."

FLOG
biscuit & jelly.
1/2 cup of milk.
Vegetable wrap with feta cheese. (Yes it was delicious!) and I ate the rest of Ben's Ham and cheese and vegetable wrap.
A few All Natural Cheese Puffs.
An apple with some caramel sauce.
Lots of water.
3 pieces of pizza ----guilt free.
Coffee.

Nutritional Nugget:
Final simple tip from American Dietetic Association's www.eatright.org

Cut back on sodium and empty calories from solid fats and added sugars.

* Drink water instead of sugary drinks like regular sodas, fruit-flavored drinks and sweetened teas and coffees. Choose 100-percent fruit juice.
* Compare sodium in foods and choose those with the least amount listed on the Nutrition Facts Panel.
* Season foods with spices or herbs instead of salt.
* Select lean cuts of meat or poultry and fat-free or low-fat dairy products.
* Use heart-healthy oils like olive, canola and sunflower oil in place of butter or shortening when cooking.

Real Weight Loss

I've been content with my own skin this week more than ever before. It feels really nice to be less self-conscious. I guess I didn't realize what an unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself. Negative thoughts about physical body weigh a lot. I didn't know how heavy they were until I dropped a few pounds from my thinking this week. Discontentment is a heavy thinking issue. Here I have subconsciously thought for years that changing my external will bring me peace. Nope. I'm more content with my appearance at this moment than I ever have been. I always thought that when I get to that "goal" weight, I would be happy with myself. I remember being thin and dissatisfied always aware of things I'd like to change and weight I could lose to improve myself. I can honestly say that the peace I have with myself at this moment will be the same peace I have with myself when I'm at a more healthy physical weight. This feels like freedom. Nothing has really changed except my perception of who I was identifying with. The more I identify with the real me, who I really am, the me that God sees, the less aware I seem to be with my own skin. Everyday it becomes less about physical weight loss and more about dropping the weight from stinkin' thinkin'. I'm finding that I like this getting skinny on the inside best. The physical weight loss that follows is an added bonus only because it feels effortless. Behavior always follows belief. I used to think it was the other way around. I used to think if I was good enough, I would believe I was good. Now that I feel satisfied on the inside, it takes less food to satisfy my outside. I can already tell I've lost physical weight this week too. I've got more energy. I get excited to exercise. I run up the stairs. I dance to pathetic Barney songs just because I feel like moving. I can hardly tell I'm doing these physical "improvements" just because it just seems to happen without thinking about it.

FLOG
Homemade Southern Style Breakfast: Gravy & Biscuit, sausage, eggs, bacon, orange juice, and homemade jelly. (smaller portions of all.) (So happy this journey is not about the food....this meal is not something I would recommend on a weight loss program except that I ate small portions. I knew deep down that I would be just as happy with a bowl of Fiber One. Because of that, I enjoyed what I ate even more.)
1 Tangerine.
coffee
1 cup spaghetti with meat sauce and a piece of garlic bread.
water water and more water

Nutritional Nugget:
More simple tips from

Switch to fat-free or low-fat milk.

* Fat-free and low-fat milk have the same amount of calcium and other essential nutrients as whole milk, but less fat and fewer calories.
* If you are lactose intolerant, try lactose-free milk or a calcium-fortified soy beverage.

Vary your protein choices.

* Eat a variety of foods each week from the protein food group like seafood, nuts and beans, as well as lean meat, poultry and eggs.
* Eat more plant-based proteins such as nuts, beans, whole grains and whole soy foods like tofu and edamame.
* At least twice a week, make fish and seafood the protein on your plate.
* Keep meat and poultry portions lean and limit to three ounces per meal.

I-Gene

I have to admit I've had some fearful thoughts about food freedom. "What if I can't keep this up? What if this doesn't work AGAIN. I'm tired of failing." oooo yucky. Those are logical thoughts? Logically dangerous! That kind of thinking means I'm making it about me. If I could do it, I would have done it already. Duh! That I-gene is a sneaky one! (I named her.) Today was a good day because food was the last thing on my mind (PRAISE JESUS HALLELUJAH!) But the trick came when I realized that. Instead of the usual condemnation/need-self-improvement trap I fall into, Igene sneaked stealthily in on me with some self-praise. "Look how great "I" am doing." I bought into it! BOO! At supper time I did overeat a bit. As a dietitian, I would have to say that calorie-wise it still wasn't too bad when looking at it from a weekly perspective. But eating is not the real issue here, although Igene likes for me to think it is. The harm was that I ate supper thinking about her----the old me---the nature that has been discarded----the old girl I created---my imaginary self. I identified with THAT mess for a meal! I knew the real me was full and satisfied. I didn't want any more and kept eating anyway. I ate because "I" stepped up to the plate. I slipped up when I started getting a little big-headed about my performance. That's not freedom. Freedom is freedom myself (imaginary self.) I was thinking I was doing so great, then I blew it (on a heart level.) No matter if it she is behaving GOOD or if she is BAD, I identified with HER instead of resting as my true reality self. After I identified with her (based on MY good behavior), she became hungry and I fed her well. After I completed an action based on that belief (overeating,) the affirming thoughts quickly turned into accusation. "Look what you did! You blew it again. And you thought you were doing so great. How dare you think so highly of yourself." Now I have to change my mind from feeling bad that I fell for it. Great! Another thing to get right-minded about. (Again about me...can you hear it?) I catch myself thinking, and then get my thinking straight. If it is not me doing it, then how can I fail? I remind myself who I really am, and that I do not want to feed who I am not. If you want to know the truth about it, it is impossible for me to fail because Jesus did not fail. Not because I'm as good as he is, but because it actually IS him. We traded, remember? When I forget that, I end up eating 1/2 a piece of garlic bread too much. Even if I-gene distracts me and I stumble into a pit, I'll get back up. Who I am is so hidden in the ONE who CAN and DID do it, that I can't tell the difference. That's the real me.---It's WE. It's HE in ME! I'm hungrier for freedom than the spectacular spaghetti Wayne made for supper.

FLOG
1 string cheese.
1 sissy coffee.
1 mini powdered donut.
1/2 sweet tea + 1/2 unsweet tea.
Water water water.
3/4 cup chicken and dumplings.
1/2 cup peas and carrots.
1" x 1" cornbread. (That's pretty much two bites.)
1/4 cup diabetic pudding dessert that was really yummy.
6 corn nuggets.
1 big o' yummy salad with feta cheese and peppercorn ranch.
1 1/2 pieces of garlic bread.
1 cup spaghetti and meat sauce.
Lots of water.

Nutrition Nugget
Why reinvent the wheel? Sticking with The American Dietetic Association simple tips on their website in honor of Nutrition Month coming up in March.

Make at least half your grains whole.

* Choose brown rice, barley and oats and other whole grains for your sides and ingredients.
* Switch to 100-percent whole-grain breads, cereals and crackers.
* Check the ingredients list on food packages to find foods that are made with whole grains.